Spare A Thought For The People Cleaning Up All Those Millions Of Dead Fish In The Darling River

These brave and noble folks are strong contenders for Worst Possible Job Of 2019

As the heatwave grips the entire Australian mainland right now – yeah, you’re looking pretty smug there, Tasmania – spare a thought for the people with what has to be the worst job in the country. Those brave men and women on dead fish cleanup in the Darling River.

It’s taken this long to find contractors that can actually do the job, and they have to hurry because soon the fish will sink to the bottom of the river, release all sorts of nutrients and feed another algal bloom – killing more fish and starting this whole horrific process again.


And it’s already well in train, “The smell it makes, the river is only several hundred metres away from homes and in some cases there are homes right on the river,” general manager of the Central Darling Shire Council Greg Hill told the ABC, “so the smell from decaying fish and the quality of water isn’t pleasant.”

Four days ago the stench made NSW MP Jeremy Buckingham throw up on camera, and it’s unlikely that the last little while has made matters more pleasantly fragrant.

Making this process even more horrendous is that the forecast for Menindee is for temperatures in the mid-forties for the rest of the week. And which is… oh god, excuse us a minute…

In conclusion: bless you, fish-gatherers of Menindee. The nation stands upwind and salutes you.

The US Has Literally 4000 Blue Whales' Worth Of Cheese Just Sitting In Storage Right This Very Minute

Whether they possess the cracker technology to contain it remains an open question, though.

Look, we’re the first to admit that the blue whale is not typically the base unit of cheese. But if we said “there’s 900,000 cubic yards of surplus cheese being held in cold storage in the US right now” you’d struggle to visualise that amount, not least because it’s an imperial measurement.

So we could say 640,000ish metric tonnes, but again that’s just a big number. But whales, we all know that whales are really really really really big, right? So 4000 of them is a lot of whale. Or in this case, cheese.

And you might be wondering “Say, why does the US have cheese stockpiles at all?”

Milk production has steadily risen in the US because of high prices over the last decade. However people have been drinking less milk in the US and, as everyone who’s ever lived in a sharehouse rapidly discovers, milk’s pretty perishable.

So making that surplus milk into cheese is a great way to preserve it… except that people are also eating less cheese. Whales’ worth of it, in fact.

Pictured: not cheese.

Anyway: the point is that there’s a lot of cheese in US warehouses right now, and the fact that President Trump isn’t just piling it up at the southern border feels like a missed opportunity.

Mind you, if Looney Tunes cartoons are any indication, Mexico’s unnaturally-fast mice would probably make short work of it.

Fun fact: there’a only 10,000-odd blue whales left in the world. Cheese, however, remains comparatively plentiful.

Pantry Moth Season Is In Full Effect So Good News You Probably Ate Larvae This Morning

Welcome, new insect overlords.

If you’ve noticed an uptick in the amount of moths in your cupboards of late then congratulations: you’re far from alone.

Indian meal moths are in full effect this season, and also if you’ve had any dried goods like cereal this morning then you’ve probably had some bonus protein in the form of moth larvae.

And sure, that might make you gag a little bit, but just pretend it’s some sort of sexy new superfood. Hey, the science is exactly as robust for moth young as it is for açai berries.

Pictured: you.

Anyway: it’s not necessarily your fault for having garbage in your pantry because moth eggs can be laid in cardboard, including the cardboard containing the foods you paid good money for.

So sure, you could throw stuff out and clean everything, except that you’ll very likely then unwittingly replace it all with freshly egg-filled new packaging AND THE DANCE BEGINS ANEW.

Pictured: your pantry, right now.

And while cleaning your cupboards out is a good plan the eggs can be in joists and crevices where you can’t get at ’em. Also, in the current hot weather moths can mature from hatching to laying fresh eggs in under a month. So get ready for your battle against the moths to be a hopelessly Sisyphean ordeal, is what we’re saying.

On the plus side, they’re not toxic so maybe just accept that larvae are now part of your complete breakfast. Hey, they’re rich in essential wing-joints!

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