Now that we’ve had time to process the footage from the live-action Sonic The Hedgehog film, we’ve come to three conclusions.
Firstly, Jim Carrey’s take on Sonic’s nemesis, Dr. Robotnik, is giving us weird vibes and not in a good way. Not only are Carrey’s over-the-top antics a bit much but the character looks nothing like his video game counterpart, though word is that he eventually turns into the egg-shaped villain we all know and love.
Speaking of OTT stuff, the GOAT team look at why gay men suddenly love Laura Dern on It’s Been A Big Day For… below:
Secondly, whoever came up with the idea to give Sonic teeth needs to rethink every priority they have in their life. Seriously, it’s the stuff of nightmares. Thank god for the redesign.
And lastly, this live-action version of Sonic the hedgehog is almost certainly a mass baby murderer. Okay, bear with us here, this will make sense.
After rewatching the trailer one too many times, some poor soul on Reddit asked themselves the question, “I wonder how many newborn babies Sonic accidentally killed in that trailer”, before doing the math on it.
Now this is a very important question because we can’t have something like Sonic gracing our screens if he is going around being a baby murderer, no matter how fluffy and swole he is. So without further ado, here is our own very serious GOAT investigation into how many babies Sonic sent to the grim reaper in the trailer.
Firstly, it’s established in the trailer that Sonic triggered an EMP that knocked out all the electronics in the Pacific Northwest in the United States. According to various sources, that region has a population of about 15 million, which translates to about 4.5 to 5% of the total population in the United States (which is around 327.2 million).
Based on stats from 2015 and 2017, about 3.9 million babies were born in the US. Taking an average of those two years gives us a total of 3,916,999 babies. Since 15% of the population is in the Pacific Northwest, that gives us an estimated 179,569 babies born every year in that region.
Now here’s where we need to make some big assumptions. According to Bliss and the BBC, anywhere between 1 in 7 to 1 in 10 newborn babies in the UK require a neonatal unit. Let’s assume these statistics translates over the US and let’s also split the difference and round up to say 1 in 9 babies to make the math easier.
1 in 9 babies in the Pacific Northwest region gives us 19,952 babies that require neonatal units. Now Bliss states that the average stay at the neonatal clinic is one week, meaning that about 384 babies are staying at these clinics at any given time.
In conclusion, when Sonic triggered that EMP blast in the trailer, he may have inadvertently sent 384 babies to the pearly gates, making him a mass baby murderer. Literally.
Look, we get that Sonic wants to go fast all the time, but perhaps slow down a bit because the Sonic the Hedgehog movie is turning out to be a lot more cooked than we initially expected.
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