The most interesting thing to come out of the 2020 Super Bowl is Shakira and Jennifer Lopez’s all-time-great halftime show, which got everyone’s blood pumping (while also exposing the show’s double standards).
For Dave “Coach Dave” Daubenmire, he got so worked up over Shakira and JLo’s hip shaking and pole dancing that he’s going to sue the NFL (who put on the Super Bowl) for *checks notes* making him horny.
Speaking of Shakira and Jennifer Lopez, the GOAT team break down the 2020 Super Bowl on It’s Been A Big Day For… below:
Let’s clear up one thing first, Coach Dave is a total right-wing Christian activist nutjob who makes ranting videos about things that grind his gears, such as comparing being called a “bigot” is akin to racism, reclaiming the term “homophobe,” and hand washing at Wendy’s (don’t ask), so it’s absolutely no surprise that he’ll get worked up over Shakira and Jennifer Lopez’s Super Bowl halftime show.
Over the course of a really long hour on his YouTube livestream, Coach Dave went on a crazy rant about how he thinks “we should sue” the NFL for allowing Jennifer Lopez and Shakira to sexily shake their hips in front of millions like that and getting him all horned up.
Positing himself as a symbol of upstanding moral clarity, Coach Dave asks “Were there any warnings before that Super Bowl halftime show? Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old young son, whose hormones are just getting ready, just starting to operate… Was there any warning that what he’s going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?”
Look, Coach Dave may be onto something here so rather than watch his long rant (it’s seriously long), let’s just rewatch Shakira and JL’s Super Bowl halftime performance and see what the fuss is all about.
With his blood pressure rising – but not in the good “watching Shakira and JLo” kind of way – Coach Dave says he wasn’t given a good enough heads up about “crotch shots” (which is something JLo is apparently an expert at in the secular world) and thinks he should get the courts to sort out if the “right to porn” triumphs over his “right to watch it.” Translation: I’m horny and it’s confusing me so much I’m lashing out.
Anyway, after whinging about how it’s “discriminatory” for the Super Bowl to mix his desire for some football with his fear of being sent to hell rather than the pearly gates because he watched some sexy women performs, Coach Dave says he hopes to seek damages from the NFL in the realm of “about $867 trillion.”
But wait, there’s one final twist to this bonkers “suing the Super Bowl because Shakira and Jennifer Lopez made me horny story”!
Now you may be wondering why Coach Dave bothered to watch the Super Bowl if he knew it was full of “evil” and was 99 percent guaranteed to get him all worked up.
Well in a follow up Facebook video, Coach Dave clarifies that he didn’t watch the Super Bowl, Instead, he purposely looked up clips of those evil “crotch shots” of JLo and Shakira before saying he still intends to sue all those responsible for getting him all worked up. He also makes some tone-deaf comparison about how the halftime show is like bringing his “two very attractive daughters” into a public school to “sit down and twerk and do crotch shots,” an analogy that doesn’t come off as good as he thinks it does.
Mate, it’s okay to admit that you looked up sexy videos of Shakira and JLo, many dudes have done it and there’s no shame to it whatsoever. Now I have to wonder what he thought about Shakira’s “tongue” moment.
We’ll just have to wait and see if Coach Dave proceeds with his plan to sue the NFL for $867 trillion but hats off to him if he goes ahead with it. He must be under a lot of stress after all this and could blow off a little steam, to which I would recommend perhaps rewatching the entirety of Shakira and Jennifer Lopez’s Super Bowl halftime show instead of just the “crotch shots.” Seriously, it’s such a good performance.
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