Bleats

No, The "Teeny Peen" Emoji Will Not Usher In A New Era Of Size-Shaming

Oh no, they uncovered the huge feminist conspiracy again!

When 230 new emojis were announced last week, alongside a number of excellent steps in representation for people with disabilities and queer and interracial couples, one was the obvious pick for Instantly Iconic.

No, it wasn’t the waffle, the garlic, or even the blood drop/period emoji campaigned for by Planned Parenthood and the Red Cross.

It was this, officially called Pinching Hand:

And the filthy (hive)mind that is the internet immediately went to the most childish interpretation possible.

Many of the people celebrating the advent of the Teeny Things Possibly Including Penises Depending On Context emoji were rejoicing at the prospect of having a one-tap response to unsolicited dick pics, and the related prospect of men who send them suddenly thinking twice beforehand.

But of course, the most childish response to the most childish response came from anti-feminist writer Bettina Arndt.

Look, on one level, she almost has a point.

Not on the “roomy vagina” thing – the idea that that’s what all women are secretly insecure about is laughable. We’re much too worried about being murdered for that!

But hey, size-shaming isn’t nice, in general – people can’t help what size their penises are, and literally half of all dicks in existence are below average size. That’s how averages work.

And there’s absolutely no call to make anyone feel bad about the size of their penis by publicly declaring that people who are dicks must have dicks that are small.

Even laughing at the idea that Donald Trump’s wee little hands must mean he has a wee little weewee, or confirmation that he in fact does, can make someone who might be similarly endowed but generally a decent human feel pretty awful about their body.

Not everyone who isn’t blessed with the body they want makes up for it by going around being an insufferable f**knugget.

And plenty of insufferable f**knuggets have pretty big penises – ask any of the women who’ve opened an AirDrop only to find it’s a photo of a random dude’s grotty-looking dong being held against a can of energy drink for scale.

If you harass someone with an unwanted picture of your big or small penis – or by touching someone with it in any unwanted way – then one of the reasons you may be doing it is because you are particularly insecure about your masculinity. But even then, I’m honestly not going to feel that bad for you if your chosen target sends you The Pinching Hand and it makes you feel sad.

But there is no great feminist conspiracy to bully Unicode into creating a specific body-shaming emoji aimed at cis men.

Nor is this a sign that it’s totally OK to go around body-shaming cis men the way, say, many people still at this very moment in 2019 feel comfortable doing to women (or anyone of any gender who doesn’t fit a certain image).

After all, it wasn’t feminists who started equating dick size with masculinity. Dudes started that one all by themselves, at urinals and in locker rooms around the world.

 

And hey, that emoji has loads of uses beyond clapping back at digital sex pests. There are plenty of other things that can be small apart from penises.

For example, minds.

Celebrity Chefs Are Flooding Instagram With Dishes Shaped Like, Uh, Eggplant Emojis

Really taking the R out of croquembouche.

Look, a lot of food is already pretty penis-y.

We use the eggplant emoji to signify dangly bits (except for a friend of mine who uses the crumbed prawn emoji, chillingly) and the peach to celebrate butts.

(Actually, peaches are pretty sexual no matter what you do with them.)

Now we have a bunch of well-known chefs, including Manu Feildel and David Vu from My Kitchen Rules, Fast Ed, and Ainsley Harriott flooding your feed with filthy-looking food.

Just look at this phallic feed from Manu. He calls it a cockembouche.

Manu’s “cockembouche” appears to be a choux pastry baked in a cylinder and injected with some kind of crème – perhaps a sweet treat, but the savoury lettuce garnish hints it’s possibly a salty one.

Here’s a gorgeously plated, frothy feast from chef Monty Koludrovic of Sydney’s Dolphin Hotel – it’s a shellfish stiffed (not a typo) zucchini flower.

And a number of participants, including Fast Eddy, Harriott, and Vu, have gone with a good old ballsy pun.

 

 

All this thirsty hunger is for a good cause. The #RudeFood campaign is an initiative of ANZUP to raise funds and awareness for “below the belt” cancers like bladder, testicular, prostate, penile and kidney.

And look, I’m not saying they’re enjoying this particular good cause too much, although anyone who’s worked in hospo will tell you chefs are not known for their highly refined and highbrow sense of humour.

Look at this especially NSFW entry from one chef with far too much imagination – although I’m sure it’s somebody’s thing.

But honestly, anyone who doesn’t enjoy a good dick joke isn’t someone you want to have a meal with anyway.

Award-Winning Actresses Are Now Being Forced To Make Excuses For Their Fictional Parenting Styles

Not so marvelous.

The Marvelous Mrs Maisel is a fun, beautifully acted and incredibly funny show about a woman who wants more from her life than wearing gorgeous coats and being the perfect wife and mother, and gets that “more” from becoming a successful standup comedian.

Midge Maisel is played by Rachel Brosnahan, who has won two Golden Globes, two Critics’ Choice Awards and an Emmy for the role, and is not a mother.

So, naturally, she’s being made to defend the parenting choices of her character, because apparently people have been really caught up in the whole 1950s thing while watching the show.

A random viewer responded to a tweet (from West Wing star Richard Schiff) praising the show with her own sniffy criticism: why bother making the character a mother if you’re not going to show her mothering?

Because apparently if you’re a mum, that’s the most interesting thing going on in your life, unless you’re a bad person. No exceptions.

Brosnahan’s co-star Alex Borstein, who was tagged, called out the comment, and then Brosnahan herself joined in.

She even pointed out that of course Midge is being a parent as well – off screen.

But honestly, are the standards to which we hold women still so backwards that we wig out when a fictional character on TV who happens to be a mother doesn’t spend half her screen time tending to scraped knees and dirty nappies?

Just because a woman on a TV show has kids, doesn’t mean that the show needs to show her doing parent stuff just to prove that she does it.

Midge Maisel is a well-off woman in 1950s New York – if she wasn’t chasing her dream playing 1am slots in crappy clubs, she’d probably be throwing parties and being in the audience at those clubs with her crappy husband like she was before, while a nanny looked after the kids.

And whether she was changing nappies or serving canapés, it’d be a much less interesting show if it had to spend time doing that it could spend showing her actually being funny.

As one of the responses to Brosnahan’s tweet pointed out, presumably she also has to pee at certain points in her day – doesn’t mean that it’s interesting or important enough to build a scene around.

Forget whether women can have it all – apparently, even in 2019, even fictional women are open to criticism unless you show them doing it all.

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