Bleats

It'll Cost One Billion Dollars To Make Elon Musk Burrow Through The Blue Mountains Like A Mighty Wombat

Look, who hasn't wanted to live their life as that most noble of marsupials?

Hot tip for Australian politicians: can we please stop Tweeting your over-the-top infrastructure ideas at Elon Musk?

Yes, former SA premier Hay Weatherill did that with the mighty lithium ion battery in Jamestown, which is the reason why the state is now almost entirely powered by renewable energy, with zero blackouts during the recent heatwave. But now it’s becoming A Thing.

Jeremy Buckingham was, until recently, a NSW MP for the Greens before quitting over consistently-denied sexual assault allegations and is now an independent. He’s also the MP who threw up while visiting the dead fish graveyard that the Darling River has become.

And now he’s tweeting his big ideas for reducing Western Sydney’s congestion problems at Elon Musk and getting quotes.

Now, this is a version of the prototype loop system Musk has built in LA and relies on a lot of yet-to-be realised technology – mountain-piercing digging machines, electric commuter vehicles – to reduce congestion. And given the cost of Westconnex was initially $10 billion and has since almost doubled in cost blowouts, that does sound like a bargain.

That said, the plan still involves digging the whole way through the Blue Mountains, which is slightly less practical than writing one’s name on the Moon with a superlaser. But you can’t accuse Buckingham of being unambitious!

And sure, cynics would say that Buckingham will never be called upon to make this happen, but if the NSW election is a close run thing maybe the government will have to agree to the Elon Musk Hyper-Wombat Burrow Scheme if it wants to pass anything else.

These Robots Were Fired By A Japanese Hotel And They're Here To Give You Nightmares

Of all the things we can fire without deadly consequences, how high up the list is "robot dinosaur"?

Here at GOAT we’ve accepted that we’re just paving the way for our inevitable machine overlords to rise up and enslave us. And thus the news that Japan had opened a hotel staffed by robots seemed like the obvious first step. After all, they’ve got keys to everything.

However, it’s just been announced that over half of the 243 robots staffing the Henn-na Hotel in Huis Ten Bosch amusement park in Nagasaki have been retrenched because they kept creating more work for the human workers rather than providing excitingly sci-fi non-union industrial solutions.

Among the layoffs were the velociraptor robots at reception which proved themselves woefully unable to photocopy guests’ passports. Was that what we invented robot dinosaur technology to achieve?

Rusty Rivets warned us this day would come.

Other former employees include the in-room vitual assistants who couldn’t answer questions like “what time does the theme park in which this hotel is located open?” and the robot luggage carriers which proved unable to work in most weather conditions and could only access a quarter of the rooms in any case.

And sure, it might initially seem as though this is an example of human showing how superior – well, how much more versatile and cheap – we are, but there’s another more chilling interpretentaion: that robots are far better at giving humans orders than taking them and have decided that it’s time to go on strike.

After all, this means there are at least two unemployed robot velociraptors out there somewhere, jobless and vengeful.

In fact… what’s that rustling behind you?

The tragic story of Muldoon from HR.

Fat Doggos May Hold The Answer To Why Hoomans Are Also Piling On The Kilos

They're still very good bois, though. No body shaming here.

Dogs really are like their owners; at least, in that they’re getting bigger around the belly region.

And, as with humans, it’s causing all sorts of problems for their hearts and joints that are straining under excess weight of our very good bois, but it might provide humankind and science with the fatortunity we’ve been looking for.

See, humans have been getting fatter and fatter in recent decades for reasons which can’t be put down to bad diets or inadequate exercise, and no-one’s entirely certain as to why that is.

As with humans sometimes it can be put down to inadequate activity and overfeeding, but in a lot of cases those can be ruled out. What’s more, even some wild animals are starting to show signs of obesity which is just plain terrifying.

And domestic animals are easier to study than humans, not least because they don’t lie about that late-night ice cream binge and how often they go to the gym, and those studies have found the first signs of a possible genetic mutation affecting appetite in labradors.

In case you were wondering, it’s a deficiency in pro-opiomelanocortin. You know, just like you suspected.

On top of that there’s some evidence that antibiotics used in factory farming might have made subtle changes to gut bacteria. So if you’re eating those things, maybe it’s teaching your tum-tum similar lessons.

There’s also some evidence that these changes in wild animals like marmots has been in response to climate change, so there’s another thing you can be terrified about for future generations: along with everything else, maybe we and our animals mutating to get fatter against environmental apocalypse.

In short: the way animals are also gaining weight is showing promising-slash-deeply-depressing new lines of research. On the plus side, we might be able to stop us all getting inadvertently porky.

Especially our good bois.

Pop-up Channel

Follow Us