Ah, London: a storied and beautiful metropolis with a rich history, diverse culture, and a nightlife so raging that its party people are doing nearly as much rack in the middle of the week as they are on a Friday night.
Analysing a city’s sewer water is a surprisingly accurate, yet anonymised, way of working out just how many drugs its citizens are snorting, shelving and injecting into their bodies on the regular.
And researchers who dived into the UK capital’s waste water found that Londoners love their coke all week, not just on the weekend.
“Concentrations of cocaine and benzoylecgonine remained high in wastewater across the week with only a minor increase over the weekend, which is not consistent with other cities,” a new study reported in the Times says.
And the amount of coke pouring into London’s waterways (particularly near the Houses of Parliament, which might explain a lot) is having an effect on the behaviour of the eels that live in the water. A separate study released last year shows trace amounts of cocaine in water makes European eels “hyperactive”.
On the one hand, this is very funny to think about, because eels are inherently hilarious creatures.
On the other, those poor eels are all slithering around furiously agreeing with one another about politics, thinking up startup ideas they’re never going to actually work on, and filming unwatchable Instagram stories in dark clubs – and they have no idea why. Poor dears must be so confused.
“London is known as one of the highest consumers of cocaine and [observed levels] suggested everyday usage,” added the researchers.
Water studies show Barcelona has the highest coke intake, with the finance capitals of Zurich and Antwerp following close behind.
Water studies in Australia cover about half the population, and last year’s showed that we rank second highest in the world for stimulant consumption, with an estimated three tonnes of cocaine consumed every year.
And all you party people have to pee somewhere.
So next time you’re cutting lines on your phone in the pub bathroom, don’t think about what Gladys, your mum, or Happy Healthy Harold would say. Think of the wildlife who may find themselves suddenly really appreciating Fisher’s ‘Losing It’.
