Bleats

Even Kochie Is In Favour Of Pill Testing So Clearly Middle Australia Has Spoken And Hello NSW Election

When That Bloke From The TV What Your Nan Likes is advocating pill testing as a way to save young lives, you know our leaders are paddling against the tide of public opinion.

The recent spate of drug-related deaths at music festivals has split Australia into two camps: those who think that pill testing and other harm minimisation policies need to be brought into play, and those who think that the long held policy of yelling YOU YOUNG PEOPLE SHOULDN’T TAKE DRUGS is about to start working despite half a century of evidence to the contrary.

This has become a big issue in NSW, in which five people have died in the last four months – most recently 19 year old Alex Ross-King – which other states have not experienced despite, in most cases, holding the exact same touring festivals. So the question “what is NSW doing which is killing young people in a way that other states are not?” seems like a good one to ask right about now.

And thus the nation awoke to the weird sight of David “Kochie” Koch on Sunrise talking sense to NSW premier Gladys Berejiklian about how pill testing has been a demonstrable success overseas, that the local trial in the ACT removed dangerous drugs and that whatever it is that the NSW government is currently doing is clearly not working

Berejiklian’s nah-let’s-not-do-that argument boiled down to that pill testing might stop people from taking tainted drugs but doesn’t stop being overdosing on all that deadly, deadly ecstasy. And to be fair, the fact that seatbelts don’t prevent all road fatalities is why we decided not to even have them in cars anymore oh hold on no we didn’t that’s insane.

The premier, who added that she’s never ever taken drugs in her life, explained that “The best message we can send to them is don’t take these drugs.”

That’s the best message, huh? And we’re limited to message-sending as a response to kids dying? Cool, good to know!

Kochie wasn’t having a bar of it though, pointing out that young people take drugs, calling her a hypocrite for adopting harm minimisation approaches to other drugs via safe injecting rooms and pointing out that at the very least pill testing stops young people ingesting deadly poison.

And sure, this is just a stoush on morning television – but it’s genuinely significant because if anyone represents the suburban middle-class Australian parent – the stereotypical Liberal voter, in fact – it’s Kochie. No-one would accuse him of being a dangerously Marxist rabble rouser massing morning television viewer to storm the Winter Palace.

Take note, Gladys. When you’ve lost Kochie, you’ve lost your heartland.

A Betting Site Lost Money Underestimating How Often Trump Would Lie In His TV Address About His Wall

Seriously, who bets that Trump will tell *fewer* lies? That's a crazy strategy.

As the US government shutdown gently turns from showy inconvenience to legitimate crisis, spare a moment for the real victims of this entirely avoidable disaster.

No, not the government workers who are either not working and not getting paid or working and not getting paid. Not the people who might be facing starvation and/or eviction as government departments cease functioning. Not the people trying to get into closed museums, or wondering why no-one’s picking up the garbage and/or human feces at national parks.

Um, it’s OK, we’ll come back some other time.

No, one of the real victims is the betting site bookmaker.eu, which offered odds on how many lies Trump would tell in the course of his eight minute speech.

They set their odds assuming it would be around three, except ninety-two per cent of punters bet there’d be more than five – which itself turned out to be an underestimation.

In the end the Washington Post counted six statements as being significantly and deliberately false. This miscalculation by Bookmaker.eu cost US$300,000.  Ouch!

The other victim is Trump himself.

He went to all the trouble of sitting down in front of a camera and carefully reading the aforementioned statement instead of relying his preferred communications strategy of making unsubstantiated claims on Twitter – and broadcast across multiple networks too, including ones that were sometimes critical of him! What a guy!

Despite Trump’s generosity the ungrateful public gave better ratings to the rebuttal by the dynamic Democratic duo of… um, Senate and House leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer – who weren’t mad at the president, just disappointed.

Mind you, maybe their rating win was because their statement wasn’t being upstaged by Trump’s sexy nemesis, Stormy Daniels, who spent Trump’s speech wearing lingerie and and folding laundry on Instagram Live.

Anyway, we’re sure that Trump will triumph over those traitors and cowards who think that walls aren’t perfect impenetrable barriers which will [puts finger to ear] I’m sorry, we need to interrupt this paragraph to bring this breaking news story from 2004…

Scott Morrison Had His Shoes Badly Photoshopped For Some Reason And We've Very Thoughtfully Fixed Them For Him

Some PMs just can't catch a break, huh?

Scott Morrison’s been our PM for [checks watch] almost six months now and has suffered terrible polling, defections forcing him into minority government and the general perception that even the most simple things somehow snowball into avoidable embarrassments.

You know, like posting a video of his government to a sexy, swear-filled song. Or having an empty bus drive around Queensland on an alleged “listening tour”. Or forgetting to register his personal domain and having it taken over by someone else.

Or having his shoes ineptly photoshopped for no obvious reason.

Now, you might notice that the shoes are not only badly shopped, but also they’re both left feet.

They’re. Both. Left. Feet.

Was his office attempting to coin a metaphor for the deftness Morrison’s political footwork? Because if so, touché!

The leader of our nation did respond to the obvious resulting question “…the hell?”, though.

No socks? Mate, those are going to chafe. Also, you’re not bringing them inside, right? We can smell them from here.

And yes, this damage control all about re-positioning himself as a fair dinkum Aussie bloke just bonzaing his ocker rather than being the sort of person whose office goes “Heaven forfend! What monstrosities be they? Tarquin, Christabelle, I beseech that you place something more tidily donor-friendly on his base-hooves, post-haste!”

But if so, he could really have done a better job. So we thought we’d help.

The perfect summer look!

And now, something for winter!

Or something a bit more breezy. Especially after the sneakers without socks.

Look, Julie Bishop was praised for her red shoes, right?

Then again, maybe he’s just following in a proud tradition of short-lived Liberal Party leaders who are mainly remembered as being a bit of a mistake…

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