“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Long Black” is a statement that rolls around in my head every morning as soon as I’m rudely awoken from my peaceful slumber.
I haven’t always been an Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Long Black drinker. I used to be a Hazelnut-Latte-or-die kind of person but something shifted deep within my soul, and my dating life when it happened.
Upon further delving into my dating history, it was apparent that my current no-bullshit-policy came into fruition around the same time as I started drinking Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Long Blacks.
An Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Long Black gives off the vibe that I am three things.
- Cold, yet refreshing.
- Sometimes sweet.
- Tends to have bite.
I’m not going to say I’m not these things, because I absolutely am, but I’ve come to realise not every person has the taste for an Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Long Black.
It got me thinking about the flaves that aren’t my cup of coffee.
I wouldn’t date someone who drinks a mocha by choice. It says you’re not down to have proper conversation. You’d rather talk about dumb Disney films and you’re just far too sickly sweet for my liking.
I wouldn’t date a flat white drinker. You’re trying far too hard to be serious and to be honest, you’re just a little boring.
I wouldn’t date a cappuccino enthusiast (and they are enthusiasts), because you’re going to tell me how ‘classic’ and ‘robust’ you are. I don’t wanna know.
I understand my coffee order is complicated, and maybe a little pretentious, but I know who I am and I know what I like.
It’s okay if you’re not swiping right on me, because I’m good with my coffee order. Catch me sitting in the best seat at the cafe, silently judging your weak ass coffee choices, while I drink my liquid crack from my reusable metal straw.