Bleats

This Is Why Your Dating Profile Failed And The Reason You'll Die Alone

No need to wonder what the problem is, it's definitely you.

Using dating apps when you’re a single person these days is a tough thing to do and requires an almost-scientific level of effort and aligning of pieces.

You gotta pick out a handful of photos where you must look good while not giving off the impression you’re a douche, and your profile description should have something funny and insightful while not being too long, pretentious, or rude.

It takes a lot to get that dating profile absolutely right and the amount of effort single people put into those things these days could literally solve the climate change problem.

Can relate.

While dating profile photos are pretty subjective depending on the person, there’s a bit more of a formula to descriptions regarding what works and what doesn’t. So if you’re wondering why you’re not getting any matches despite several winning photos or your face and/or physique, it’s likely because your profile description is writing cheques your pics can’t cash.

Standard stuff like your occupation, hobbies, or a witty one line joke works pretty well. But things like what your future partner must look like and/or earn, and the dreaded “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” line?  Immediate left swipe.

So to help all the single swipers out there, the folks over at Reddit have shared the absolute worst things someone can have on their dating profile. If you’ve got one of these cringey lines as your description, best change it right away if you want some matches.

Let’s kick things off, we have a corker here from a well-traveled single person who put down all the countries they’ve visited. If that doesn’t bring up a slight worry, the part where they put down if you wanted to date them then you better bring them to nice places or else is a major red flag.

Sometimes you may not even reach the point where you’ll want to spend time with certain people when they write something insinuating that it is a privilege to just be in their presence.

Asking about what someone does for a living and where they went to school/uni is pretty standard stuff. Except for when they write something as pretentious as this following red flag.

You’re not being witty, you’re basically telling everyone you’re a spoiled brat who is living off your parents.

The whole point of being on these apps is to literally swipe right on people. And besides, what makes you think you’re worthy of people swiping right on you when you write something like this?

When someone goes around proclaiming that they want “no drama,” you know they mean the exact opposite of what they’re saying.

“Fluent in sarcasm” is immediate swipe left material because a) it just screams “I’ve got no imagination” and b) it means you’re not the slightest bit sarcastic or witty.

The whole point of dating apps is to share messages back and forth with someone you’ve matched in order to see if there’s a spark. If someone declares that they won’t message you first, then what’s the point of being on the app?

Not to diss religion or anything, but claiming only God/Buddha/Jebus can judge you is code for “this person is a close-minded dumbass”.

And lastly, there’s the outspoken people who want you to know they’re outspoken and make no apologies for it. This just screams “I’ve got no filter, I never apologise even when I’m wrong, and I will embarrass us in public when we’re out” with the occasional dash of “I’m also a racist/sexist/homophobe.”

And with that, good luck to all of those single people out there trying to find true love on dating apps and here’s hoping you get that profile description perfect before you get swiping and embark on an embarrassing first date.

Flirting With Someone Is So Much Easier When You're Not Actually Attracted To Them

If only real-life cheat codes existed for dating.

It’s perhaps no surprise to any single person that dating is one of the hardest things anyone can do. Not only do you have to first meet someone whom you’re attracted to, there needs to be some sort of surface level chemistry before talk of a (horrible) first date even begins and that means being super-witty and charming.

It sounds easy on paper but flirting makes absolutely no sense because there are occasions when your game is on while other times you fall flat on your face. Why are you able to be super charismatic around certain people and yet somehow end up sounding like a dumbass around others?

Smooth.

From past experiences, it seems like the inconsistency of one’s flirting game lies in the initial attraction part.

When you’re attracted to someone, you put pressure on yourself to say the right things in an attempt to try and impress them. Throw in a dollop of fear over the wrong thing and pushing the person away, and what you got is a high stress situation. It makes sense though, you want it to work out so the stakes are high and there’s pressure to deliver.

But when you’re not attracted to a person, it’s much easier to be flirty and charming because, well, there’s no more pressure. You’re not trying to impress the person because you either already know them or have no intention to “get with them” and even if you say the wrong thing, it’s no big deal because there’s nothing on the line for you other than maybe testing out cheesy openers.

How you doin’?

Perhaps the best way to get around this little hurdle is to treat everyone you meet as someone you’re not attracted to and trick yourself into not pressuring yourself for a “result”. Dating is an extremely stressful thing to do and the last thing you need is extra pressure to flirt well on top of it.

And hey, if you can talk, maybe start with that instead of pick up lines. Most people are up for a good conversation so why not just chat away first without thinking about impressing them. Who knows, if you just roll with it, things may end up going your way anyway.

…me?

Tinder's Splendour In The Grass Collab Is Bad News For Chlamydia Rates

Splendid.

We’re a a month or so out before Splendour In The Grass (SITG) is here but there’s an extra level of spice to this year’s proceedings courtesy of Tinder.

A few months ago Tinder announced it was launching a new “festival mode”, which basically slaps a badge of an upcoming festival you’re going to onto your profile for all other fellow festivalgoers/swipers to see.

After waiting for festival mode to arrive Down Under, we can officially announce that it will make its big Australia debut on June 21 and SITG will be the first big music festival where this feature will be available to all. So for those who were hoping to get in on some swiping action at Byron Bay this year, your search just became much easier.

While this will be great for those hoping to find that special someone during Childish Gambino or James Blake’s set, this does throw up something of a red flag regarding STIs.

If you recall last year’s SITG, about 1,000 attendees there reportedly had chlamydia. With Tinder’s festival mode making hook-ups easier than ever this year, the ingredients are there for a worrying spike in chlamydia rates.

So before you get swiping, please take all the necessary precautions, get checked up before heading over to Bryon Bay, and make sure you are packing protection. Chlamydia is an awful disease that doesn’t always show itself and can wreck havoc on your health, especially for women.

Beyond the potential rise in STI rates at this year’s SITG, please also keep in mind the festival and app’s “I expect respect” policy. Festival mode doesn’t give you permission to go around and being creepy to other people so just be cool.

So if you’re headed to Byron Bay this year, just remember to get checked up, play safe, and be nice to people. Everyone’s there to have fun so don’t let chlamydia or creepy swipers ruin it.

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