Think about the person, or people, you’re dating. Imagine holding them in your hands. (Any part of them.) And ask yourself:
Does this person spark joy?
If you’re getting a flashback to when you binged all of Tidying Up With Marie Kondo and stayed up til 3am sorting out a huge pile of clothes on your bed, you’re bang on.
“Kondo-ing” is being hailed as a new “dating trend”, after matchmaking site Plenty Of Fish coined the term recently – and it’s also being called “harsh“, as it’s being interpreted as a directive to dump your other half if the spark is gone.
But just like Kondo’s minimalist approach isn’t suggesting you should chuck out all but five of your books, “sparking joy” doesn’t mean your partner of five years should be toast if they don’t give you nausea-inducing butterflies they way they did three months in.
While it’s definitely worth wondering why if your current longterm partner genuinely doesn’t spark any joy for you, it’s actually more useful in that first three months.
When you’re dating someone, or a few someones, be honest with yourself: does this person, this interaction, make me feel warm, joyful, optimistic, comfortable, excited?
Or are you just holding out hope it’ll suddenly click into place one day, and in the meantime, gritting your teeth when they talk about F45 and thinking well, at least you’re not alone?
If there’s no joy, politely decline that third date or break it off with that still-new boyfriend.
In other words, don’t spend your energy on anyone who doesn’t make your life better and happier – it’s better to be single and awesome than to waste any time with someone who doesn’t actively add joy to your life.
I’ve used this rule for years about everything from dating to buying clothes, but I call it, less catchily, “holding out for enthusiasm” – don’t waste time on anyone you’re not stoked about, or anyone who’s not stoked about you.
Because let’s be real: your love life should not contain more trash than your kitchen drawers.
