Bleats

Instead Of Ghosting That Dud Date, Practice Dumping Them With This Helpful Chatbot

The ghosting in the machine.

Dumping someone you’ve only seen once or twice is tricky. Ghost them and they feel betrayed, but no-one enjoys being broken up with. But what if you had a chatbot who could teach you how to going about dumping a date you don’t wish to see again?

Well, Quartz, bless them, created the Bad Date Bot: a way to sprint through a Rocky-style training montage in how to let someone you’ve been out with know that, in the nicest possible way, they’ve seen the last of you.

You are presented with texts from archetypes which should be familiar to anyone that has dated before – the person with wildly incompatible interests, the person that’s perfectly nice but not for you, the person that’s a sleazy weirdo, and so on.

From there it gives you various options to respond, ranging from the firm-but-kind to straight-up ghosting to shrugging and going on another date and NO THAT’S NOT THE OPTION YOU WANT.

And as you conclude the chatbot tells you what you did right and/or wrong in your date dumping, with reference to some romance expert or other piece of useful intel, and… you know what? As such things go, it’s pretty darn good.

What did I win?

And look, it’s very cute and everything but it also has a genuine practical application, which is to give someone – maybe you! – the confidence to advocate for yourself, and and the words to express that in a respectful way.

And many human beings are very awkward about being upfront about not feeling it – especially the female human beings who are socialised to be deferential to the feelings of male ones.

So go forth, gentle reader, and let the chatbot end make you strong. Soon you’ll be dumping dud dates like a kind, respectful and self-assured HURRICANE.

Nirvana Are Officially Better Than Queen Which Everyone Obviously Already Knew

Here we are now, entertain us!

Saying that Nirvana are better than Queen is similar to saying that orgasms sting less acutely than pant-wasps, not least because Nirvana made good records which are enjoyable to listen to and Queen are dreck.

It’s a fact, don’t @ me.

Yep.

Anyway, science (science!) have confirmed this basic universal truth via a new analysis of songs by researchers from Goldsmiths, University of London, led by music AI expert Professor Mick Grierson, which concluded that ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ is the most iconic song of all time.

Number 2 was John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’, number three was, confusingly, U2’s ‘One’, Michael Jackson’s ‘Billie Jean’ was fourth, and Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ was wrongly placed at five instead of at nothingth.

Oh, and before you ask: the Beatles were in there, at number six with ‘Hey Jude’.

As an aside, Dr Grierson found there were certain words which were especially common in the songs on the list, including “love”, ‘baby” and “nah” – although the aforementioned inclusion of ‘Hey Jude’ probably pushed that nah-count way, way up.

Yeah: nah.

Since iconicness isn’t a thing that can be measured they went with running the songs from seven all time best of lists from respected music publications through software which analyised the key, tempo, lyrics and “timbral variety, and sonic variance” which is a fancy way to say “sound”.

Now, this was a British study using largely British music lists – as Spin points out, this explains why Oasis’ highest ranking song is the passionately Brit-loved ‘Live Forever’ (at number seventeen) rather than the international hit ‘Wonderwall’ – but even so we could assume that it’s even more parochial and UK-centric than would be the case with international data.

And thus in a better-weighted study, Queen should be even lower. Maybe even last. That would make sense.

Because Queen are awful.

Again, don’t @ me.

Miley And Liam Weren't Remotely The Shortest Celebrity Marriage

The marriage that burns twice as bright lasts half as long. Sorry, no, that's candles.

When the news broke that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth had decided to call time on their marriage, the world was aghast.

Who would have thought that this notoriously volatile couple who lived under the endless scrutiny of the media wouldn’t have been able to settle into a quiet lifetime of gentle domesticity?

It was such a shock to us all.

And much has been made of the fact that their marriage barely cracked a year, but by celebrity standards that’s almost a decade – celebrities are like dogs, in that day is a week by human standards.

But who were the top five celebrity unions, in terms of brevity of their time spent in holy matrimony? Here are our picks:

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock: 122 Days

Like Hemsworth’n’Cyrus Ms Anderson and Mr Rock had a tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship before deciding that would make a great basis for a marriage.

At least he eventually found his intellectual equal.

It lasted from July to November 2016, and rumour has it that the final straw for Rock was Anderson being in Borat and his fury at people going “my wife!” to him.

Yes, really.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries: 72 Days

2011 saw the love affair between one of the planet’s rising stars of reality television and a basketball player who you know of purely because he was once briefly married to Kim Kardashian.

Like all great love stories the wedding got a two day E! special and featured eyewatering levels of product placement. Accusations that the whole thing was a publicity stunt were not helped when the marriage didn’t crack three months.

Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas: 39 Days

She was a 19 year old actress with a wild streak; he was a 32 year old who owned a bar in LA and that she’d known for a month and a half. What a love story!

That 1994 dalliance was the shortest of her three marriages, beaten by her 2001 marriage to comedian Tom Green (163 days) and her 2012 marriage to art consultant Will Kopelman (slightly over four years).

Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman: 9 Days

Kardashian and Humphries weren’t the first TV personality/sportsdude couple to briefly try marriage on for size and decide to return it: the MTV star and the colourful basketball fellow lasted a bit over a week when they tied the knot in Las Vegas in 1998 before getting an annulment.

She certainly took things more seriously the next time around, marrying Jane’s Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro as part of a reality series called ‘Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave. The marriage lasted a bit under three years.

And the reigning champion remains…

Britney Spears and Jason Alexander: 55 Smash Hours

Sadly, this wasn’t Jason Alexander from Seinfeld: this was a childhood friend of Britney’s of the same name, who she wed in a Vegas quickie ceremony in 2004.

And really, we should have realised then that maybe, just maybe, clinging to one of the few people she might have thought she could trust was a massive cry for help from a person under enormous sanity-eroding pressure.

The marriage was annulled, and Britney never made an impulsive marriage again – except to the dancer Kevin Federline, who she wed three months after meeting.

So take heart, Miley, yours is not the shortest celebrity marriage. Maybe next time.

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