Bleats

Instead Of Ghosting That Dud Date, Practice Dumping Them With This Helpful Chatbot

The ghosting in the machine.

Dumping someone you’ve only seen once or twice is tricky. Ghost them and they feel betrayed, but no-one enjoys being broken up with. But what if you had a chatbot who could teach you how to going about dumping a date you don’t wish to see again?

Well, Quartz, bless them, created the Bad Date Bot: a way to sprint through a Rocky-style training montage in how to let someone you’ve been out with know that, in the nicest possible way, they’ve seen the last of you.

You are presented with texts from archetypes which should be familiar to anyone that has dated before – the person with wildly incompatible interests, the person that’s perfectly nice but not for you, the person that’s a sleazy weirdo, and so on.

From there it gives you various options to respond, ranging from the firm-but-kind to straight-up ghosting to shrugging and going on another date and NO THAT’S NOT THE OPTION YOU WANT.

And as you conclude the chatbot tells you what you did right and/or wrong in your date dumping, with reference to some romance expert or other piece of useful intel, and… you know what? As such things go, it’s pretty darn good.

What did I win?

And look, it’s very cute and everything but it also has a genuine practical application, which is to give someone – maybe you! – the confidence to advocate for yourself, and and the words to express that in a respectful way.

And many human beings are very awkward about being upfront about not feeling it – especially the female human beings who are socialised to be deferential to the feelings of male ones.

So go forth, gentle reader, and let the chatbot end make you strong. Soon you’ll be dumping dud dates like a kind, respectful and self-assured HURRICANE.

Nirvana Are Officially Better Than Queen Which Everyone Obviously Already Knew

Here we are now, entertain us!

Saying that Nirvana are better than Queen is similar to saying that orgasms sting less acutely than pant-wasps, not least because Nirvana made good records which are enjoyable to listen to and Queen are dreck.

It’s a fact, don’t @ me.

Yep.

Anyway, science (science!) have confirmed this basic universal truth via a new analysis of songs by researchers from Goldsmiths, University of London, led by music AI expert Professor Mick Grierson, which concluded that ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ is the most iconic song of all time.

Number 2 was John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’, number three was, confusingly, U2’s ‘One’, Michael Jackson’s ‘Billie Jean’ was fourth, and Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ was wrongly placed at five instead of at nothingth.

Oh, and before you ask: the Beatles were in there, at number six with ‘Hey Jude’.

As an aside, Dr Grierson found there were certain words which were especially common in the songs on the list, including “love”, ‘baby” and “nah” – although the aforementioned inclusion of ‘Hey Jude’ probably pushed that nah-count way, way up.

Yeah: nah.

Since iconicness isn’t a thing that can be measured they went with running the songs from seven all time best of lists from respected music publications through software which analyised the key, tempo, lyrics and “timbral variety, and sonic variance” which is a fancy way to say “sound”.

Now, this was a British study using largely British music lists – as Spin points out, this explains why Oasis’ highest ranking song is the passionately Brit-loved ‘Live Forever’ (at number seventeen) rather than the international hit ‘Wonderwall’ – but even so we could assume that it’s even more parochial and UK-centric than would be the case with international data.

And thus in a better-weighted study, Queen should be even lower. Maybe even last. That would make sense.

Because Queen are awful.

Again, don’t @ me.

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