From Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (RIP, teenage you) to the emotional whiplash that was Pete and Ariana, 2018 brought love, patience and pain to those of us who project our own fantasies and hopes onto the relationships of famous people we do not know.
We may not have learned to, y’know, not do that any more, because we will never learn that. I refuse to.
https://twitter.com/zanahuber/status/980983508024856578
But we did gather some other valuable wisdom to take with us on our path towards true love, or at least a big fat ring, two kids with dumb names and eventual matching Instagram breakup posts about respecting each other’s journeys.
Don’t call your son Bear
Cheryl Cole and Liam Payne called their son Bear, and Alicia Silverstone and her now ex-husband also called their son Bear. Both couples split this year.
Coincidence? Or did they sit up at night, staring at their sleeping partners, realising that’s a ridiculous thing to actually legally name your infant child, and wondering what else they might have been wrong about?
We may never know. But is it worth the risk?
Keep the number of matching tattoos to one or two, maybe…
Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande got at least eight tattoos for and about each other in the four months or so they were together, and they’re already having to cover them up. My poor heart may never recover from that rollercoaster ride.
I know it’s not sustainable, but I think the goal of life is to feel whatever Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson are feeling right now.
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) June 9, 2018
…but hey, everything is a lesson
“Sry I dipped.”
We may never know if Pete was the one who taught Ariana patience, love or pain, but she seems to have emerged into a new creative peak period.
And he’s clearly been having a rough time since the breakup, but at least now everyone knows he has a HUUUUUUUGE penis – can’t hurt his options, right?
Some things really are too beautiful to last
Jenny Slate is obviously gorgeous and talented, but she’s still not necessarily the exact person you’d picture to end up dating Captain America. As the equal second-best of the Hollywood Chrises*, the fact that Evans’ taste in women runs to smart, slightly goofy indie actresses instead of, like, exclusively Victoria’s Secret models gave us a little hope that it might also run to, say, pale and perpetually tired-looking brunettes who write snarky things about pop culture for a living and eat noodles in bed. Just for example.
Unfortunately, they did not get married and stay happy together forever, therefore we’re all dying alone without getting to wake up next to Steve Rogers even once.
*For reference: 1: Pine, 2: Evans/Hemsworth, 4: Pratt. No correspondence will be entered into.
Airing your dirty laundry in public works… kinda
Cardi B and Offset do not have a reality show of their own (yet) but they might as well at this point. Whether it’s Cardi slurping coffee as she talks about how much she misses that “heavy” D “destroying” her, Offset interrupting her at work with embarrassing flower displays, or the two of them jet-skiing in Puerto Rico in an apparent reunion… only for Cardi to inform everyone that no, she just wanted that D, was she not clear about that?
So let that be your final lesson of 2018: the ultimate Big Dick Energy is being honest about what you want, whether it’s love and commitment, or just a BD.
Let that be the E you take into 2019.