I can’t remember the exact date, as I have worked hard to try and move on with my life, but I believe that it was some time around 2006, when I saw my first pair of Crocs.
It’s hard to say precisely where I saw this horror, again, as the brain tends to shut out such atrocities, but it’s safe to assume that I saw these Crocs at a speedway race event or a country RSL dance floor. Perhaps I spotted them on one of my aunty’s mates. You know, Sal – the one who’s been having troubles? The one who collects frog statues?
Yeah, it was probably her.
Sal’s had a rough year
From that first moment, I was both horrified and fascinated by these hideous foot accoutrements.
Fans of these rubber mounts all proclaimed their new-found comfort after making the switch to Crocs. It seemed as though they were comfy enough to help people give up on life in unimaginable ways.
I would often lay awake at night, pondering what horrific things would have to happen to a person before they would decide to simply lay down, give up, and order some discount Crocs online.
…and buy some Crocs
I’ll admit, I did experiment in my youth.
I’m not proud of it, but on a trip to Japan, I slid my socked feet into a guest pair of Crocs. It was comfortable. Too comfortable. So I stepped out before I could get addicted. It also helped that my wife was nearby to heroically heckle me. She saved me that day.
Now, we’re going to need a whole new breed of hero, as Crocs have released a high-heeled version of their infamous clog.
Here it is folks, the “Cyprus V Heel.”
No one can save us now
These horrible shoes aren’t the worst part of this story.
No, it gets much darker.
The worst part is that not only are people buying them – Crocs have completely sold out of their “Cyprus V Heel.”
Okay, people. I don’t want to have to call your parents, but I need you to come clean. Go on, admit it. Who among you has been using the internet for evil?
Who has been snapping up high-heeled Crocs?
SOLD OUT! Who did this?!
Where did life go so off-script and confusing for you that the only way out seemed to be a pair of high-heeled Crocs?
Whatever it was, and whoever you are, I want you to know that people love you. You don’t have to do this to yourself – you are loved.