The Bermuda Triangle Mystery Has Been Solved, Time To Find A New Conspiracy To Froth

I want to believe.

Hell yeah, it’s time to bust out the tin foil hat and dig up your childhood obsession with the Bermuda Triangle! I knew exactly where all the books about ghosts, aliens, and other conspiracies were in my primary school library, and I read them all cover to cover, so the news that the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle has been solved made my morning a lot more interesting. 

I’m assuming this is accurate?

To backtrack for those of you who weren’t a bit weird in primary school like I was, the Bermuda Triangle is a patch of ocean just off the south-east coast of the USA that planes and ships allegedly disappear in all the time, either never to be seen again or to appear later on stunned with no recollection of what happened. 

There are tons of theories about what is supposedly taking these ships and planes. There’s the methane gas theory, saying that gas bubbles up from the ocean floor and explodes. Or the theory that there’s a wormhole shooting everything tin the Bermuda Triangle to another point in space and time. Then there’s aliens. That’s it, that’s the whole theory. Aliens.

My explanation for most things

So back to solving the mystery. Well, sadly it seems like there may never have been a mystery to begin with. Dr Karl Kruszelnicki has done some math and realised that we don’t actually have anything to be worried about.

“According to Lloyds of London and the US coast guard, the number of planes that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle is the same as anywhere in the world on a percentage basis,” he said.

Damn you, logic and reason. I wanted paranormal nonsense!

“It is close to the equator, near a wealthy part of the world, America, therefore you have a lot of traffic.”

Sadly for us alien enthusiasts, it makes perfect sense. More traffic through an area like the Bermuda Triangle means more disappearances and accidents. This particular case may be solved, but at least I still have things like Area 51 and Louis Tomlinson’s fake baby.

Science Killjoys Want Us To Believe That Nessie Was Just A Big Ol' Eel

I will not stand for it.

Look, I consider myself a very rational person, but I am absolutely 100% willing to bust out the tin foil hat when it comes to wacky cryptids. I’ve seen way too many monster hunting documentaries on Animal Planet, what can I say? I’m invested.

And now we may finally have an explanation for the Loch Ness Monster. If believe it.

Researchers from New Zealand have spent the past year or so taking samples of environmental DNA from Loch Ness, and then trawling through them to work out what exactly is living in the water. When animals swim around, they drop bits of skin, scales, feathers, fur, and a whole lotta poop into the water. By scooping these out and testing their DNA, scientists can then compare their results to massive databases of animals to work out what’s swimming around in there.

They actually have been using this info to run some pretty legit experiments regarding the biodiversity of the lake, but I’m going to ignore that. Science can wait until we’re done dealing with the potential existence of an ancient sea monster.

The scientists have come to the conclusion that Nessie may be a giant eel. This is bad news for people like me who think that eels are one of the most god-awful creatures to ever grace the planet at their regular size, let alone a massive one. It makes sense though. They found a truck load of eel DNA in the water, so there are certainly a lot of them swimming around. Surely at least one is huge, right?

Adding to the eel theory, the scientists ruled out other theories like giant catfish, giant sturgeon, or giant Greenland shark. Sadly, they also ruled out my favourite theory: the one that says Nessie is the last of the plesiosaurs that lived on after the dinosaur extinction. The scientists found no evidence of any reptiles at all I’m afraid, let alone dinosaurs.

Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster go as far back as the the year 565AD, when an Irish monk was said to have banished a ‘water beast’ back into the lake after it came out and ate a servant. While Nessie has calmed down a bit and quit eating people since then, the sightings have definitely continued.The Official Loch Ness Monster Sightings Register has recorded 14 sightings this year alone, bringing their grand total to 1131 sightings. You’re welcome in advance for the rabbit hole you’re about to go down if you click that link, by the way.

Look, is Nessie an eel? Yeah, most likely. But if every single town in Australia can have a mythical black panther that’s definitely a house cat, then I can have the Loch Ness Monster. 

I had a high school science teacher who used to say ‘absence of proof is not proof of absence’. I’m positive he was talking about something like space or chemical reactions, but I’m going to use that saying here. I want to believe. 

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