Bleats

Naming Products Is A World Of Big Wins And Hilarious Mistakes

Bite the wax tadpole!

You have to feel for international brands. There they are, just hoping to bring a little joy to the world and profit to themselves with some hot new products, and it suddenly turns out that their ignorance of international swears means that they’ve made some hilarious mistakes.

Some brands nail it, of course. Entire nations call tissues Kleenex, vacuum cleaners Hoovers, photocopiers Xerox machines and… um, call Band-Aids Band-Aids. What even would you call those things?

Onesies. Jetskis. Jacuzzis. Dumpsters. Even Breathalysers are an actual brand name, despite being used as a generic product description.

And then there are the fails.

One of the most famous is more amusing than actually a failure per se, which is that in written Chinese the signs which (phonetically) make up “Coca-Cola” translate as several baffling phrases, of which “bite the wax tadpole” is the greatest.

Excelsior.

It’s slightly better than the fate of KFC, whose slogan “it’s finger-lickin’ good!” translated into Chinese as “eat your fingers off!” And Coke’s rival Pepsi had a similar situation where their “Brings you back to life” slogan was rendered as “Brings You Back from the Grave.”

But they’re not not the only hilarious mistakes that products have made.

The Pinto was a doomed car made by Ford, which suffered a notable recall in the US. But that was after they’d tried marketing it in Brazil without realising that in the local Portuguese dialect the term meant “tiny dick”.

It’s not limited to English speaking companies either: Iranian company Paxam decided to export their laundry soap whose brand name used the Farsi word for snow. Oddly enough, there was little western enthusiasm for using “Barf Soap.”

So, if you’re a linguist with a particularly firm grasp of local insults, start marketing yourself as a brand consultant for products. You’ll make a goddamn mint.

This Is How To Exact Perfect Revenge On Your Lazy, Lazy Dude

This is how to address the lackadaisical attitudes to household chores, right here.

And a mummy blogger who’d had enough of her husband getting some couch time while she did chores decided this was the moment to exact perfect revenge on her lazy dude and his lackadaisical ass.

Karen Alpert, of the brilliantly named blog Baby Sideburns, gave her recalcitrant husband a list of groceries and sent him out to do fetch them.

And he failed, because none of the things exist.

Specifically:

3 per cent milk, seedless strawberries, fat-free hummus, wheat thins (the ones in the blue box), unsour cream, diet diet coke (you might ask because it’s new), mellow cheese, organic Pop Tarts.

Petty? Oh god yes. Hilarious? Very. A sad indictment on a dude who didn’t ask questions on super-fake looking groceries? Ja.

And the detail about putting her phone on silent before he started calling to ask for help?

And this might seem like a small issue, but the fact is that women are still disproportionately doing the grunt work in modern households, despite often also working full time.

A recent study found that one in four Australian men do exactly zero housework and that the rest of us aren’t exactly stepping up especially well either. Frankly, it’s a wonder that women put up with us at all.

So anyway, if you’re finding yourself the key chorseperson and are looking for tips on how to exact perfect revenge on anyone not pulling their weight in your household, then you have a new patron saint of utterly petty vengeance.

And look, dudes: housework is goddamn work. Do better.

A Shop Tried Shaming People Out Of Using Plastic Bags And It Went So Well They Became A Collectors' Item

So, where can we get these bags now please?

If this was a different sort of a site then this story would have launched a thinkpiece about how we live in a post shame society where people feel no pressure to hide their most venal and disgusting qualities.

But more importantly, I want to know where the hell one might get a bag with “Into The Weird Adult Video Emporium” emblazoned thereon.

See above.

East West Market in Vancouver decided that they would be able to shame their customers into not using plastic bags by putting embarrassing slogans on them.

The problem was that the slogans were awesome and the people started using more bags in an attempt to get them all.

And why wouldn’t they? Sassy fonts, great layout and fake retailers like The Colon Care Co-Op: it’s amazing they don’t already have their own Etsy store.

That said, the market has learned its lesson and is now making reusable tote bags using the designs because what person wouldn’t want to show them off at every possible opportunity?

Hot tip: when you’re trying to make something less appealing to human beings, don’t make it . both brilliant and collectable.

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