Bleats

Not To Be Bitter But Chris Pratt And Katherine Schwarzenegger’s Astro Compatibility sucks

Admittedly, I'm feeling a little bitter.

Sometimes it really seems like the only person who is handling the end of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris’s marriage is Anna Faris. There were many life lessons to be learnt from her reaction to Pratt’s engagement to Katherine Schwarzenegger back in January, and she continues to be an icon.

Meanwhile Chris Pratt’s stock plummeted with both our irrational bitterness to his moving on, and our rational disappointment with his response to worshiping at a notoriously anti-LGBTQ church. Hence the revised ranking of the Hollywood Chrises, for a post-Pratt 2019.

But this discussion of Chris Pratt’s underwhelming astrological compatibility with new fiancé Katherine Schwarzenegger is coming from a completely unbiased place and not at all coloured by the personal feelings of bitterness harboured for these celebrity strangers.

So Chris Pratt is a Cancer, born June 21, and Schwarzenegger is a Sagittarius, born December 13. It’s a rare combination to be drawn to each other, and yet, here we are. Let’s unpack that.

#1. What Do They Want?

According to the stars, each sign has a different concept of an ‘ideal relationship’ and that can cause clashing down the line.

#2. Trust Issues Ahoy?

Look, Cancers tend to like security, and Sag’s are known for their love of freedom. So that might mean they can be trying to make it work but speaking different love languages. One might feel suspicious and the other might feel stifled. Astrologically speaking, it’s set to be a challenge.

#3. Will They Have The Patience?

To make things work it will mean overcoming the obstacles and finding a unique dynamic that can last long term. These zodiacs press each other’s buttons and boundaries. They’ll need some strong communication skills to persevere.

Me, talking shit.

So there you have it, the stars are here to feed our irrational bitterness towards Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger.

Of course there is a chance that this Cancer-Sag match will have a great relationship in spite of the astrological obstacles and of course we wish them health and happiness blah blah blah.

We’re all just coping in our own, salty, transcendent ways.

Tom Cruise Banning Nicole Kidman From Their Kid’s Wedding Because Of Scientology Is Just Sad

So Scientology really sucks, hey?

When Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise split back in 2001 after 10 years of marriage, Cruise’s dedication to the controversial church of Scientology was undoubtedly a big part of the problem. And yet, Cruise retained custody of their two adopted children, who were reported at the time as being devout Scientologists who had ‘chosen’ to stay with their father. The kids, Connor and Isabella, were about 6 and 9 at the time.

Now apparently Tom Cruise has banned Nicole Kidman from their 24-year-old son’s wedding, according to reports.

“Tom is behind this and what he wants is as good as law.” A source told RadarOnline. “Tom made the call and Connor followed.”

“First, Tom would never even consider inviting Nicole to Connor’s wedding because she’s considered a ‘suppressive person’ by the church” The insider continued, “and, second, he doesn’t want her there.”

It’s the kind of insider report that’s hard to believe, except that in the context of their situation it checks out. Nicole Kidman missed their daughter Isabella’s wedding in 2015, and has been distanced from both her and Connor as they both remain devout to their father and the church of Scientology.

Kidman told Who Magazine late last year that she still offers unconditional love to those children, explaining that,

“I’m very private about all that. I have to protect all those relationships.”

“They are able to make their own decisions. They have made choices to be Scientologists and as a mother, it’s my job to love them.”

The whole situation is sad, because it is a struggle incited by what is essentially a cult religion. It’s sad that those children were introduced to Scientology so young, and it’s sad that Nicole Kidman may not be welcome at her own child’s wedding. It’s sad that Tom Cruise is so hostile in that regard towards his non-believer ex-wife, and it’s sad that he himself is so lost to the Scientology faith.

In short, Scientology is bad, and the manipulative, isolating techniques the church employs do a lot of real damage to people’s lives.

Felicity Huffman’s Arrest Over Her Kid’s College Scam Is Just The Tip Of The Iceberg

This movie writes itself.

Former Desperate Housewives star Felicity Huffman and Full House actress Lori Loughlin have previously been known first and foremost for their roles in these popular television series.

But since news broke that both women have been arrested on fraud charges that allegedly link them to a college application cheating scam, this absolutely wild story outshines the TV fame for sure.

Huffman is accused of donating $15,000 (AU$21k) to a firm for the service of helping her daughter cheat on college entrance exams. Huffman’s husband, fellow-A-list-actor William H. Macy, was not charged or named in the documents, although transcripts of incriminating phone calls allegedly involve both Huffman and her “spouse.”

Loughlin and her husband, fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli, are accused of agreeing to bribe $500,000 (AU$706k) to have their two daughters designated as recruits to USC’s crew team and therefore help get them a college spot. Except neither of them actually participated in crew. 

The long and short of it is that both women are accused of using money to get their kids un-earned spots at prestigious universities. But this is not just two celebrities allegedly being entitled brats, this is a nation-wide scam that the FBI has uncovered, featuring a lot of people being entitled brats.

Huffman and Loughlin were among 50 people indicted by federal authorities as part of the U.S.-wide scheme, according to documents unsealed on Tuesday. The paperwork suggests wealthy parents have been bribing exam administrators or athletics coaches with cash sums to help secure places for their kids at elite colleges, including Yale, Georgetown, and Stanford University, regardless of their abilities.

It was called a ‘nationwide conspiracy’ in the official press release issued by prosecutors at the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Massachusetts, which is a pretty apt name for the class system in action I guess. 

Rich parents using their richness to secure educational opportunities for their children is an extremely cliché example of how privilege and entitlement plays out behind closed doors. Handing children of wealth these opportunities is taking away those opportunities from others who have actually earned them.

When the system of scholastic opportunity is corrupt instead of equitable, it reinforces the class and privilege gap that keeps the rich rich and the poor poor. It’s a serious crime and deserves to be taken seriously.

Huffman, Loughlin and the other accused individuals allegedly scamming the university system is the kind of wild story that should make a great movie someday soon, that will hopefully shame the exploitation of privilege for opportunity. Also hopefully Laura Dern will play Felicity Huffman. We’ll be waiting.

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