Bleats

Chris Pratt Somehow Fell Further Down The Best Chris List, Good On Him

Do yourself a favour and just stop talking, Chris (Pratt).

We here at GOAT don’t agree on too much but we’re all in agreement on one particular thing from now until the end of time: Chris Pratt occupies the bottom of the “Best Chris” list and will remain there indefinitely.

Sure he may have won hearts as Peter “Star-Lord” Quill in the Guardians of the Galaxy movies and… whoever he plays in those god awful Jurassic World films, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that he attends a Hillsong-eqsue church that’s not particularly accepting of LGBTQI+ folks.

Throw in his love of preaching like a second-rate youth pastor on late night talk shows and his tone-deaf response after being called out for his involvement in the aforementioned church, it’s not hard to see why Pratt is a bit of a, well, prat.

Clearly.

Well folks, just when you think Chris Pratt couldn’t sink any lower on the “Best Chris” list, he’s somehow figured out a way.

The former “Best Chris” ranking topper posted a poem he “found” onto Instagram that’s pretty questionable in its content because it’s all about “ding-dongs” on the left and right and how everyone should stay united under the veil of “God.”

Plus the poem is pretty crappy – Chernobyl is used as some metaphor for anger in politics for Pete’s sake – so Pratt’s taste in poetry also deserves scrutiny.

Perhaps Pratt is just trying to preach a message of unity and world peace but this poem probably isn’t the best way to do it.

The poem just shows how ignorant Pratt is of what’s going on in the world and how he doesn’t seem to understand how detrimental it is to give one side the benefit of the doubt when its clear they’re wrong.

If there’s one thing we don’t need in 2019, it’s someone like Pratt with a worrying amount of cultural clout sprouting more of this “both sides” bullcrap while preaching how God will save us all.

Since Chris Pratt has officially bottomed out even further on the “Best Chris” list, the only appropriate action to take is to distance him further from the top.

From henceforth, we hereby include Chris O’Dowd and Chris Lowell on the “Best Chris” list, and regulate Pratt from his previous ranking of fifth to rock bottom at seventh.

Trashing Gwyneth Paltrow For Literally Walking Is A Bit Dog, Come On

Punch up, not down.

We love a good ol’ Gwyneth Paltrow dogpile here at GOAT because she does weird stuff that warrants some roasting. But the internet has gone just a smidge too far this time after what went down at the 2019 Emmys.

Gwyneth rocked up to the 2019 Emmys in a floor-length Valentino dress that caught everyone’s attention. Not because it looked good or anything (you can be the judge of that) but because of how it caused her walk to look a little bit strange when she went onstage to present the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series (which went to Jodie Comer for Killing Eve).

Since this was Gwyneth Paltrow and the internet is the internet, folks started ragging on her for her “dainty walk.”

Some of the jokes were admittedly pretty good:

But there were others that felt a little bit too mean:

Yes Gwyneth is walking like a waiter carrying three plates of food during their first ever restaurant, but we can do better than making fun of her for that.

If you were wearing restrictive ankle-length dress made of what appears to be rigid fabric while wearing heels while trying to make sure the long black shawl draped over your arms doesn’t get in the way, you’re also going to look like a robot learning to walk for the first time.

Never thought I would be defending Gwyneth Paltrow for anything but at this point we’re literally trashing her for walking and it just seems have crossed the line a little bit this time.

Put it another way, if we make fun of Gwyneth just for walking then it’ll take the sting away from the next time she does something that truly deserves a roasting.

Punch up and pick your battles, internet. There are far better things to bag her out for than walking slightly weirdly. Okay, enough defending Gwyneth Paltrow, please let there be a jade egg-esque faux pas very soon so we can get rid of this weird feeling.

Shia LaBeouf Didn't Knock Out Tom Hardy But He Did Wrestle Him While Nude

Turns out wrestling Tom Hardy while naked isn't as fun as it sounds.

There are many infamous tales of masculinity (toxic or otherwise) that have floated through Hollywood over the decades. One of the more amusing ones is the claim that Shia LaBeouf knocked Tom Hardy out when they were working on Lawless, adding fuel to the fiery claim that LaBeouf is kind of a dick.

As it turns out, the truth is far less confrontational than what we’ve been led to believe and involves more nudity than anyone expected.

Appearing on the hot wing eating YouTube series, Hot Ones, LaBeouf said the rumour that he knocked out Hardy is “a bunch of bulls**t.” He clarified to host Sean Evans that he and his Lawless co-star had no bad blood and got into friendly fighting matches all the time.

As for how the rumour started, LaBeouf revealed he was with his girlfriend one day when Hardy burst into their bedroom without warning and started an impromptu wrestling match. As the pair went at it, they ended up out in the hallway before Hardy accidentally fell down the stairs and hurt his back.

Oh and Shia was naked the entire time he was getting manhandled by Hardy. Yeah.

Anyway, rather than reveal the actual truth to the Lawless film crew, Hardy instead told everyone LaBeouf knocked him out. To be fair, “Shia knocked me out” sounds a lot better than “I wrestled Shia while he was naked and I lost when I fell down the stairs.”

LaBeouf’s weird yet entertaining nude wrestling story on Hot Ones begins at around the 17:40 mark.

So the moral of this story about Shia LaBeouf and Tom Hardy? Um, if you’re working with Tom, maybe lock your bedroom door or he’ll come in while you’re in the nude and start an impromptu WWE match while your partner is watching.

Let’s go with that.

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