If there’s one thing that handsome white men named Chris with successful superhero movie franchises have in common, it’s their handsomeness, and also their successful superhero movie franchises.
“And they’re all kinda scruffy and squinty and jacked, but in a sweet way”, as Kate McKinnon put it during Chris Pine’s SNL appearance in 2017.
But who is the best of the Hollywood Chrises?
Some people are too cowardly to choose:
When ordering ice cream, I like to get all three scoops. https://t.co/6H13DgssrG
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 2, 2018
But not us. Here, we present an updated ranking in this, the year of our lord 2019. And if there’s one thing we know, it’s who’s the worst.
(Yes, 5.) Chris Pratt
Look, where else are we going to put the 2019 version of the man we once loved as schlubby Andy Dwyer?
Yes, we thirsted after both his adorable, April-loving pre-Marvel Andy dad bod, and his newly ripped physique when those Guardians Of The Galaxy pics leaked. And we listened when he told us how to poop at a party, and mourned when he and Anna Faris split, admiring their gracious statement of mutual respect.
But now he’s talking like a youth pastor on late-night shows, and attending a Hillsong-inspired church that’s not quite kosher when it comes to accepting LGBTQ+ folks – and his response to Ellen Page’s criticism of his involvement left a lot to be desired.
Sorry, Star-Lord: you are now officially Worst Chris.
4: Chris Messina
He’s always been fine. Whether you got on the Messina Express after Julie & Julia, The Mindy Project, or opposite Amy Adams for the second time in Sharp Objects, the hotness was undeniable and real. And he can dance, for real.
Between his new role as a DC villain – Birds Of Prey’s Victor Szasz – and the bonkers-hot bleach job he’s got for it, Messina is now officially a Hollywood Chris.
Bad-guy roles will showcase the gruff, knife-edge energy that makes him the one Chris you probably wouldn’t take home to meet the parents. Only his newness to the list can keep him this low, and he won’t be for long.
3: Chris Hemsworth
Look, Our Chris can’t be ignored. He’s been a thirst machine since Home & Away, and Hollywood has slowly learned that he’s supposed to be a big puppy dog, not a hulking human deltoid. He was the second-best thing (second only to Kate McKinnon) about the last Ghostbusters movie, and the more the MCU leans into his evolving characterisation of Thor as an intergalactical goofball who happens to look like a pirate had a baby with an angel.
His energy is a teensy bit Byron-Bay basic-beach, and with the launch of his new workout program, though, we’ve had confirmation that he’s totally the type of dude who’d have “fitness” as an actual interest listed on his Tinder profile.
But hey, at least he’s funny.
2: Chris Evans
Oh, Cap. Evans has been living up to the ideals of his most famous character for years – his Twitter presence is an amazing mix of adorable photos of his dog, self-roasts, calling out racism and lies from politicians, more self-roasts, and passionate advocacy for social justice causes.
Either you STILL don’t understand that weather is not climate despite literally everyone explaining it to you every time you tweet this ignorance, or you just don’t care, and you’re deliberately misleading your base.
Which is it? https://t.co/35Rmeot0F9
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) February 11, 2019
Happy Valentine’s Day from this pair of dysfunctional codependents. pic.twitter.com/8rzRkLKmFr
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) February 14, 2019
This is absolutely insane. Please read. https://t.co/vG8OuJmuCm
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) January 17, 2019
And he is glorious to look at, whether it’s baby Evans from Fantastic Four/Not Another Teen Movie era or Captain America Chris.
Unfortunately, though, he is a fan of the New England Patriots. And for that, he loses crucial points.
1: Chris Pine
Get yourself a Chris who can do everything. Duet with Barbra Streisand? Done. Piercing baby blues? Totally. Full-frontal nudity in a historical epic? Sure thing. Thoughtful reflection on gender double standards around onscreen nudity? Got it that too.
Totally down to play love-interest second fiddle in a female-driven superhero movie instead of gunning for his own comic book franchise? On it.
Super-weird, meta Christmas carol for the Into The Spider-Verse soundtrack?
Also willing to sing about how he’s not all those other Chrises?
Chris Pine. Best Chris. No contest.