Bleats

Dear People Who Said They’d Go And See A Back To The Future Reboot: Who Hurt You?

In what timeline is this a good idea?

Looking at the average comment section you’d think audiences are pretty damn sick of reboots, remakes, sneaky sequels and prequels – but according to a new survey commissioned by The Hollywood Reporter, an awful lot of people would go and see a new Back To The Future movie.

They surveyed 2201 grown-ass American adults and 71% of these discerning cinemagoers said they’d be likely to see another installment in one of the most unf**kwithable trilogies in Hollywood history.

That’s with no details about who might be in it, who might write or direct it, where it would fit in the existing timeline. Just “sure, why not?” as if it weren’t perfectly wrapped up at the end of Part III.

What would they do? The secret adventures of Elisabeth Shue hanging out on the McFly family’s porch swing the entire time?

In comparison, 69% said they’d go and see another Toy Story (which is handy considering there’s one coming); 68% said they’d see another Indiana Jones (because Crystal Skull was such a raging success); and 63% said they’d go and see another Star Wars.

Overall, half of respondents said they’d be more likely to head to throwbacks and revivals than, you know, not that.

Fortunately for people who know to leave well enough alone, creator Robert Zemeckis has ruled out there being any more Back To The Future. In those exact words.

(Maybe someone should tell the people clamouring for more – including Christopher Lloyd himself – about Rick & Morty?)

Of course, one day further down the track, there could be the perfect creative team for a reboot. There’s certainly a timeline where it could go exactly right – and take the story to a brand new generation. Or in other words:

Everything About Forky, The New “Toy” In Toy Story 4, Is So Terribly Wrong

The teaser trailer for the next Toy Story film is actually nightmarish if you think about it too much. Which I did.

The teaser for Toy Story 4 dropped last night, and all your faves are back. Woody! Buzz! Jessie! The Potato Heads! And… a plastic spork with mismatched googly eyes and pipe cleaners for arms. His name is apparently Forky, and he is not OK.

“I don’t belong here!” he shrieks with the sudden panic of someone who just can’t hold it in any longer, interrupting a dreamy slow-mo sequence set to Judy Collins’ cover of ‘Both Sides Now’ and backed by that iconic cloud wallpaper.

“I’m not a toy!”

At first, you could interpret Forky’s cry of despair as a simple case of impostor syndrome – an intensely #relatable story about feeling like you’re a big fake and everyone can tell.

After all, the generation that grew up on the original Toy Story are now terrified adults, making presentations or training 19-year-old new starters or handling fairly large amounts of other people’s money, standing next to people they see as Actual Grownups and feeling – well, a plastic spork with googly eyes and pipe cleaner arms stuck on with blu tac is a fairly decent visual representation.

And there’s also the whole thing about how he’s a spork, not a fork, and yet his name is Forky, and not Sporky.

But actually, it’s worse than that. According to director Josh Cooley, the plot of TS4 is driven at least in part by Forky’s existential crisis.

The world of Toy Story is built upon the idea that everything in the world has a purpose. A toy’s purpose is to be there for its child. But what about toys that are made out of other objects? Forky is a toy that Bonnie made out of a disposable spork, so he’s facing a crisis. He wants to fulfill his purpose as a spork, but now has a new toy purpose thrust upon him.

So the film will actively delve into the metaphysical and ontological implications of the Toy Story mythos. Which are f**king horrifying.

Specifically: what is a toy? If it’s as simple as gluing googly eyes to an inanimate object, bestowing it with not only sentience but the self-awareness to know itself as toy or, indeed, not-toy, then is everything you’ve ever glued googly eyes to now a toy, going through the exact same freakout as Forky? Does the stapler up the back of your desk think it’s a toy and you just don’t like playing with it?

We’ve been wondering this, on some level, since we encountered Sid’s Frankenstein-like toy creations in the first film.

*screaming externally*

Was the head of the silent Meccano doll-spider part of a sentient being before the pre-teen sociopath popped it off to bolt it to the skittering leg structure? What about the Barbie legs with the fishing rod torso – it has no head, no eyes, but apparently free will and the altruistic impulse to help Buzz and Woody escape?

So yes, this is all pretty intense stuff for a one-minute teaser. But the good news is that the Toy Story franchise has gone mega-bleak before – hello, incinerator scene – and it worked. It broke us, but it was perfect.

So perhaps next year’s new installment will actually find a way to solve the perpetual existential crisis that is millennial life – through Forky’s inevitable journey from philosophical panic to self-acceptance, and also, presumably, through a devastatingly beautiful and kind monologue delivered by a toy cowboy in Tom Hanks’ voice.

From Biggie To Baauer, Here Are The Internet's Six Finest Cantina-Core Covers And Remixes

Aussies apparently put the Cantina Band song on their sexy-time playlists more than any other – so here's what you're having your May The Fourth celebratory sex to, you weirdos.

The Cantina Band song is not only a total jam, but it’s also Australia’s favourite song to bone to.

No, seriously. Research released by Spotify for Valentine’s Day last year, based on analysis of playlists with “love” and “sex” in the titles, showed that out of every song on the planet, Australians put the cantina song on their ~sexy time~ playlists most often.

Yes, we apparently rate it above ‘Pony’ and ‘Birthday Sex’ for when it’s time to make the tauntaun with two backs.

I guess it makes sense – in the Extended Universe books, we learn that the style of music being played in the Mos Eisley cantina and by Max Rebo in Jabba’s compound is called “jizz”.

But there are only so many times you can hit repeat on Figrin D’an And The Modal Nodes’ upbeat original before you need to switch it up. So here are some of the best Cantina Band remixes for all your Star Wars Day sex playlist needs – and don’t forget that just because Han shot first, doesn’t mean you should.

Cantina – Trinix

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pinGeqAdZ3Q

This remix by French duo Trinix is fun as hell, wrapping the classic intergalactic jazz clarinets in a dubstep beat that, per one of the YouTube comments, drops hard than Alderaan’s population.

Party ‘N’ Bullshit (Star Wars remix) – Otaku Gang vs Notorious B.I.G.

This is just one track on Life After Death Star, a genuinely great 2016 mixtape of seamless Biggie/Star Wars score mashups.

Other mixes on the collection include ‘Ten Crack Commandments’ mixed with the haunting ‘Force Theme’, and ‘Dead Wrong’ with the ‘Imperial March’.

Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band – Meco

A cantina-core classic from Meco’s 1977 album Star Wars And Other Galactic Funk, this one was actually a legit chart hit back in the day, spending nine weeks on the UK charts and peaking at #7. 

It starts out as a classic disco version of the main theme, complete with strings and a few R2 bleeps, then transitions into the cantina jam.

Cantina Boys – Baauer

From the producer who brought you ‘Harlem Shake’, here’s ‘Cantina Boys’. IT’S A TRAP… remix.

This is actually from the Disney-sanctioned official Star Wars mixtape Star Wars Headspace, which feature serious and saga-sampling contributions from Royksopp, Rustie, Galantis, Flying Lotus, Kaskade, Bonobo, Rick Rubin and more.

Cantina Band – Ash

A wah wah-soaked version from Northern Irish pop-punk band Ash, best known for their 1997 hit ‘Girl From Mars’. 

Cantina Band – Jazz Edition

Because sometimes you need to keep it classy – or set the mood for your extremely involved Mos Eisley: The Prohibition Years AU role-play.

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