One of the lesser known problems inherent in having a child is that sooner or later society demands that one names it. Medicare, it transpires, is unwilling to register babies as Untitled Offspring Project or Fresh Human Proto-Adult.
It’s a difficult choice to make. Do you pick something boring and common, thereby revealing that both yourself and your child are unspectacular nothing people?
Or do you go for something bold and individual and look like a showoff jerk while condemning your child to a lifetime of having to spell their name during every single official phone call for their entire life?
Let’s be honest: Hackers has the definitive word on literally everything.
Or do you choose something from pop culture so that your child is forever tethered to whatever was on television at the time they were conceived and can go through their lives knowing that mum and dad really, really liked to get procreatively busy after Game Of Thrones?
The options are endless! And are all terrible!
Right now my superior half and I are faced with the challenge of naming loinspawn #2 and thus the release of the entire list of registered baby names for boys and girls in Alberta, Canada last year has made that decision… well, not easier but certainly a superior class of nightmarish.
First up the big news: “Liam” has been deposed at the top of boys name tree after seven smash years by “Noah”, presumably reflecting the deluge-related fears of Albertan parents living that close to a rapidly diminishing Arctic.
Girls-wise, however, Olivia marks five years at the top, in living tribute to the enduring popularity of Grease and Xanadu in Canadian culture.
But, as ever, the real gold is in the ones with the most variations (honestly, who knew there were so very, very, VERY many options for Caitlin and Derek?) and those which were the justifiably least-used.
For example: Felixvince! Rhythm! Amadeus! Praise-Report! Essay!
Armani! J.! Speaking of which, while there are 34 babes named “Ezekiel”, there’s also one with a full stop. Yes, a child named “Ezekiel.”. That’s going to be mighty irritating when addressing envelopes.
Kamsisochukwu and Kamsiyochukwu! Whisper! There’s even a Ruby-Rose, and this was before The Meg!
Kahlon-Blade! Success! Costanza! Delight! Beautiful! Godspower! Dwine-Bless! And, predictably, Tyrion and Dagnerys. And yes, that’s DAGnerys. Typo or edgy alternative spelling? WHO CAN TELL?
Two children – TWO! – were named Leviathan. The mind boggles.
Anyway, it’s helped us out and now we just can’t wait for little Rhythm Success to arrive. Dude’s in for a fine old time.