Bleats

If You Eat A Meat Pie Like This You Are Not Human, Soz

America, sit down.

I interrupt your morning to bring you some breaking news: there’s a whole sub-species of people who eat meat pies like monsters.

There’s no way I can explain this, so let me just show you:

It just got suddenly cold. And dark. I’m pretty sure I can hear a baby crying somewhere and it’s raining outside. Everything feels sadder. This is not okay.

There’s a whole Twitter thread dedicated to justifying eating a pie like this, but I care too much for you to scar you in that way. If you’re a sucker for pain, you can have a look here.

The flawed logic comes out of America, which makes a whole lot of sense. A country which is known for fried chicken and cheese in a can should not be educating the world on how to eat a pie.

Leave that to the Aussies. Sit the hell down, America.

SIT. DOWN.

A meat pie no, a pie of any kind, should be enjoyed and celebrated like the delicious piece of art it is.

It shouldn’t be plonked onto a plate to sit sadly. It should be held up between two hands for the whole world to see.

It shouldn’t be flopped upside-down like the top crust doesn’t matter- the crust is the best bit. It should be bit into first. Or better, last. You should take the crusty lid off the pie, fill it with sauce, mix the sauce through the filling, eat the pie and then eat the top all by itself.

Dinnerware is not needed ever. Unless you plan to eat the pie like this:

This^ is the one and only exception to the no dinnerware rule.

For maximum enjoyment, purchase your meat pie from a local service station or stadium kiosk and enjoy at medium-warm temperature while watching a sports match.

Trust me, I’m Australian.

Vegans Are On A Mission To Make Every Italian Cry With This Lasagne

They’ve gone too far.

I’m of Arabic descent so ‘red meat’ is basically my middle name.

I’m also, if I do say so myself, a pretty nice person. And like most nice people, I don’t hate things unnecessarily. Take vegans for example: they’re just out there doing their thing and I’m okay with that. Just because I love a Sunday roast doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy a cauliflower steak.

Plus, my boyfriend goes vegan sometimes so I kinda HAVE to be nice.

But my respect for vegans is a sham. I’ve been living in ignorant bliss for my entire 23 years and now my eyes have been opened to the truth.

Truth = this vegan ‘lasagne’ (read: abomination).

Thus began my hatred of every non-meat eater in the world.

First of all, that’s not a lasagne. It’s a SALAD. Why are you lying to yourselves vegans? You’re a lot of things but I didn’t take you for a race of liars.

Also…why you do this???

Like, how is that appealing to you? I love all foods (hunger does not discriminate) but that^ thing makes me the opposite of hungry.

I can feel the carbs in my body crying. I’m pretty sure if I listen hard enough I can even hear all the Italians sobbing in agony.

I feel like it’s my responsibility to remind all the vegans in the world that PACKAGED PASTA IS VEGAN. There’s vegan cheese too AND vegan meat. If you really wanted a lasagne you could have made a lasagne and spared me this kind of pain.

More importantly, you could have enjoyed a filling, tasty meal rather than a glorified salad and whatever that creamy white dressing is.

@Vegans, for the love of all things good and holy learn how to cook proper vegan food. Or just learn how to cook because stacked lettuce leaves are not a meal. 

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