Bleats

Arnott's Sale Means We Can Finally Murder The Worst Aussie Biscuit Ever

Some biscuits deserve to die. FACT.

Arnott’s have been sold to a private equity firm and this means that there is very likely going to be product rationalisation. And that means the worst biscuit ever will finally meet with the murder it so richly deserves.

Obviously I am talking about the Orange Slice, otherwise known as the Inedible Ballast Of The Variety Assortment, the biscuit to which starving shipwreck victims would go “nah, I’m good.”

Orange Slice face

And GOAT’s own Talecia Vescio has previously opined on this important matter via her passionate piece entitled Orange Slices Are The Best Biscuit In The Pack And I Will Not Hear Anything To The Contrary.

And I have nothing but respect for my splendid colleague and her idiosyncratic tastes, but I would like to present a counterpoint via a thesis subtitled Orange Slices Are The Vomit Of Satan And Arnott’s Only Made Them As A Dare.

And that dare was “hey, I bet you can’t sell a biscuit that’s cardboard filled with wet chalk.”

So: KKR has gotten the OK to buy Campbell Soup Co’s international brands division, of which Arnott’s is a part, for $3 billion. So before you start complaining about how this means that classic Oz biscuit brands are not in Australian hands, be advised that’s been the case for twenty-two years.

The normal move for such companies is to look at the assets and IP, go “here are the profitable bits” and put the rest in the bin, and then sell the slimmed-down company on at a profit.

We assume like this.

And, assuming that happens in this case, the Orange Slice has to be the first Arnott’s biscuit on the murder block, because it is the worst.

However, if you are on Team Taleicia, it’s time to start buying up big and keeping your Orange Slices in vast, foul-smelling stockpiles.

At least you know they’ll never go off. Not even bacteria would touch that soggy dough-garbage.

People Who Scab Your Bin On Garbage Day Belong In The Dump

This truly is a load of hot garbage.

Friends, we need to have a chat about how society works.

Humans are a naturally sociable species and our ability to community and cooperate is our superpower. It is why we have become the dominant species on the planet and allowed us to land on the Moon and explore the depths of the genome.

And yet, at every turn, we live on the edge of chaos. And there is no greater indication of the fragility of the thread from which our entire system dangles than bin night, and the monsters who wait for you to put yours out and then stuff all their crap into it.

Not this kind of bin monster.

What’s worse is when your bin then gets left by the council for being overfull, meaning that a) you get to rifle through garbage to find ways to get your bin lid shut, and b) you get to wait another week with a full, weeping garbage bin while your disgusting new waste accumulates.

And this is only going to become more acute as more Australian councils opt for fortnightly pick ups as a cost saving measure.

It’s easy to imagine a future where you’ll not only be forcing two weeks of refuse into your wheelie bin but potentially getting to live for a month with the wafting scent of an overfilled junk-trolley that the council refused to pick up thanks to some jerk ramming their excess offal into your waste-tub.

You, all the time forever.

And humankind will be forced to roam the increasingly-reeking streets, dripping garbage bags in hand, looking for unguarded bins on main road and in quiet cul-de-sacs, each of us hoping against hope to find a half-empty receptacle to deposit our disgusting capitalism-shards within.

And then the flies will take over, and chaos will reign.

So, you know. Keep away from my bin or destroy humanity, is what I’m saying.

How To Make Grilled Cheese With A Hairdryer, And Other Genius Uni Meals

Who's feeling peckish?

Being at uni is rarely a period spent enjoying great wealth and/or devotion to healthy eating. To this day I can’t look at a packet of two minute noodles without assuming I’ve got a paper due.

And these fathers have each developed ingenious food hacks to save money and stave off the spectre of death by eating things which technically have the potential to sustain life.

And in this video, they teach these mistakes to their kids for the amusement of HiHo Kids’ viewing audience.

The idea of teaching kids their terrible college tricks is, perhaps, questionable parenting – but let’s be clear, that Kit Kat sandwich is a work of terrible, desperate genius.

Conversely, melting cheese with a hairdryer is absolutely disgusting for so very many reasons, but it’s the perfect hack for when society collapses. And, um, you have a battery operated hairdryer and no dignity.

Prepare accordingly.

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