This weekend, the world is going to gather together for a very special reason that has nothing to do with soccer or sport of any kind. No, the reason is because we’re going to be graced with a total lunar eclipse, or better known as the “blood moon”.
On Saturday morning, the moon will turn redder than a teenager embarrassed by their parents for about six hours, which makes it the longest blood moon for a century.
With such a momentous celestial event happening, you might as well brush up on your horoscope because let’s be honest, who is going to be watching the blood moon for the whole six hours?
From Aries to Pisces, here are all your horoscopes for this latest blood moon event, all of which are about as accurate as the research done for Gladiator.
Aries
Mars, your ruling planet, is currently about to be the closest it’s been to earth in about 15 years.
Your aggressive and warlike tendencies may be exacerbated by this as well as the moon’s bloody visage, so stay out of any conversations that are likely to rile you up, such as the 2003 Australian Idol finale result, whether dogs can look up, and whether triple J should be playing Beyonce.
Taurus
Oof, this is going to be a struggle for you. You’re an attention hog who simply needs at least two people telling you how good-looking you are at all times. With everyone’s attention on the moon, your life force is going to be sapped out of you with the lack of compliments (regardless if they’re sincere or not), which means your only resort is to call the Corey hotline for sustenance.
Gemini
The blood moon portends that… look, can we level with you? Every other sign is going to be thrown into turmoil, but you? Eh, you’ll be fine. All Geminis are actually going to have a pretty OK few weeks – you’ll probably befriend a friendly doggo at the pub, maybe chance into a bit of a windfall at work, or find a jacket in Vinnies that fits perfectly and has your name embroidered on the front.
In fact, in years to come you’ll look back on your Facebook memories and be all “oh yeah, remember that blood moon? That was a really, really nice time.”
Cancer
The energy brought forward from the blood moon gives Cancerians the chance to do something aside from moping about indoors, rewatching episodes of Rick And Morty, commenting snarky things on travel blogs and drinking cask wine.
Yes! Seize this day!
During the blood moon, Cancerians will be able to mope about indoors, watch Rick And Morty, comment snarky things on travel blogs and drink cask wine – while there is a blood moon in the sky!
Huzzah! The day is yours! Seize it, Cancerians – SEIZE IT!
Leo
This is a disaster for you. During the lunar eclipse, everyone will be looking at the moon, meaning you will not be the centre of attention for some minutes. This indignity – so close to your birthday! – will send you spiraling into a substance-fueled tantrum where you will alienate multiple close friends and/or family members.
Try to distract yourself by trying to take the perfect selfie with the blood moon; iPhone cameras can’t really capture astrological phenomena too well, so there’s no chance you’ll be outshone by the stupid dumb shiny sky thing.
Virgo
This is going to be great for all Virgos! Usually you and your sex life are the butt of every joke, but since everyone is so focused on the blood moon, all the attention is finally off you for a moment!
But don’t enjoy it too much. Everyone knows that moon watching is only interesting for all of 10 seconds, which means you’ll slip back into your usual butt monkey role in no time at all.
But hey, those 10 seconds were awesome while they lasted, right?
Libra
Librans will find it hard to balance the desire to experience the beauty and peace of tonight’s blood moon with the desire for a sensible good night’s sleep. In the end they will be too busy sitting on the fence about which Instagram filter to use and struggling with the question ‘how many blessed/blessings hashtags is too many?’ that they’ll miss the lunar event completely.
Also, be prepared for endless jokes about the blood moon and Libra feminine hygiene products. People aren’t very creative.
Scorpio
You will use the blood moon as an excuse to do something sexually deviant. Stop being so f***ing horny. Aren’t you TIRED?
Sagittarius
Blood moon? More like BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES AFTER YOU SLAY THEM IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. RUN FREE UNDER THE CURSED MOON, CHILDREN. RUN FREE.
Capricorn
Your greatest fear is a great wave upon the land, is it not? A wave that sweeps away all in its path, everyone you love, all you have ever found beautiful?
Well, the moon controls the tides. Wrestle with your fears, for they are in the blood-soaked hands of the heavens.
Aquarius
Aquarians are huge f**ken nerds, so this event will trigger traumatic memories of the Eclipse from Berserk.
As you curl up in the fetal position while repeating to yourself “Griffith did nothing wrong”, memories of Griffith’s betrayal and the subsequent massacre of the Band of the Hawk will render you next to useless during the entirety of the blood moon event.
Luckily the blood moon event doesn’t happen too often or you would’ve been screwed.
Pisces
As the blood moon aligns you will turn into a fish. Not like a full fishperson from The Shape of Water but kinda like a dope mermaid. But you do not get to choose which half is which.
Top half fish/bottom half man? It could happen, but so could a left and right split.
Regardless, you will crave water like a hungover 15-year-old after three UDLs. This is your life now.
