Aquaman is kicking box office goals and repping pretty damn OK critical ratings with a 7.6 on IMdB and 64% on Rotten Tomatoes. If you’ve seen Aquaman, you’ll probably agree that the movie really is very enjoyable to watch, just maybe not in the way the creators intended it to be.
Aquaman is really more of a film to be enjoyed in the comfort of your own home, with company, wine, and the freedom to openly mock the entire movie without being shushed and shunned by other cinema-goers.
It’s like the bad Christmas romcom of superhero movies, and just like A Christmas Prince and Princess Switch, Aquaman is loveable in it’s own right.
So, since the official cinema code of conduct forced me to bottle up my comments on the ludicrous action taking place on screen, I’m spilling it all out now.
Spoilers ahoy, obviously, because these are all the thoughts I had while watching the exquisitely extra movie masterpiece, Aquaman.
#1. Why does this lighthouse dude look like he’s an animation? What’s happened to his face? Surely the CGI guys and any test audience member could tell this guy does not look right?
Maybe they blew their budget and had to anti-age aquadad using MS Paint.
#2. The young version of Nicole Kidman the aquaqueen actually looks pretty good. Is that because she’s more expen$ive talent or because the ubiquity of botox has desensitised us to seeing women unnaturally unwrinkled?
#3. When will that kid turn into shirtless Jason Momoa?
#4. Never mind, young Aquaman is sick. That shark slamming the tank to protect him and the whole aquarium bowing to this kid might be the best scene in this whole damn movie. (Spoiler: it was.)
#5. OK YES Jason Momoa THERE you are and you’re lifting a whole submarine! You go bby!!! We hate shirts too!
#6. I get it, Aquaman doesn’t like to kill people. I respect that. But I reckon this guy with the dead dad is going to have a bone to pick with you later bro. Just sayin’.
#7. OK aquadad looks way normal now as an older dude, can confirm he’s not an animation.
#8. OOooooOOOh underwater world is funky. It’s every bit as extra as the whack movie posters teased. I missed all the action while being transfixed by the choppy CGI underwater hair.
#9. This Orm dude must use a lot of hair gel.
#10. Is it just me or does dumping all of the trash humans polluted into the ocean back onto our shores seem kind of fair? I’m with Orm on this one.
#11. WOW, which kinky bro with a repressed fish boner designed Amber Heard’s Mera costume? Because I am here for it.
#12. We are in an underwater city now and yet, Jason Momoa is wearing a shirt: a tale of confusion.
#13. Shoot, a ring of fire till-the-death face off? That seems a little excessive this early in the game kids. Surely you two could try to talk it out, since you’re family and all.
#14. Mera is just quietly slaying in this jelly fish get up.
#15. Between the hidden-under-desert ancient room and the ‘only true king’ map clue, this whole trident treasure hunt plot line feels ripped straight out of National Treasure. But where is Nicolas Cage?
#16. If I was Jason Momoa’s wife (swoon) I would be low-key stoked at the lack of chemistry between him and his leading lady.
#17. OK CAN EVERYONE CALM DOWN THERE’S NO NEED TO DESTROY AN ENTIRE VILLAGE IN ONE FIGHT SCENE???
#18. ‘The Trench’ or Stranger Things season two Demogorgan infestation? You decide.
#19. How is that emergency flame burning under water?
#20. What’s with Nicole Kidman’s dreadlocks? If she was stuck on this alternate-dimension island alone for so long, surely she would have had time to brush her damn hair every once and a while.
#21. And now Aquaman has entered the Chamber of Secrets where he is speaking parseltongue to Julie Andrews. What a time.
#22. Wait, is this ripping off Harry Potter or the whole King Arthur sword-in-the-stone story?
#23. Why is Aquaman rising out of the ground on this big-ass demon sea creature and killing all these innocent crab people? They are on your side…? Zero points for strategy.
#24. Are Arthur and Mera for real going to stop to make out before putting an end to this battle? Read the room guys.
#25. When did Queen Atlanta find the time to glow up so hard? Nice work girl.
#26. Jason Momoa was not shirtless nearly enough in this movie.
#27. (After seeing that clip of Aquaman’s human nemesis hidden in the credits), Excuse me but hell nah. That bug helmet dude was definitely dead I’m not having a bar of this guy in the sequel.