When we pictured the futuristic homes that will take care of every little thing for us just to our liking, we kind of skipped over the part where they would somehow have to learn just what we liked.
And now they’re here, in the form of smart speakers and Nests and Hues, and we can program them to lower the lighting, tell us the weather, play music on command or video-call your pets – but those cute, handy little hubs are also, you know, the creeping tentacles of enormous multinational corporations hanging out in your actual house, hoovering up your data and using it to sell you stuff.
And some of the patents Amazon and Google have filed suggest it’s only going to get creepier.
You already suspect Facebook is listening to your conversations, based on the alarmingly specific ads you’re being served. (They promise they’re not – the targeting is just honestly that good.)
But voice-activated smart speakers and home hubs running Amazon’s Alexa and Google’s Assistant actually are listening all the time, just in case you say their wake-up commands. And they might, sometimes, track or record or retain what you say in some mysterious database somewhere, because reasons.
As if that data isn’t going to be used in some way beyond “helping” them “get better”. As if they’re not going to continue to ask users to trade a little extra privacy for extra convenience.
An illustration from one of Google’s patents, showing that the Assistant has no respect for finishing the book before you watch the movie.
The New York Times reports that Google’s filed patents that would see devices scanning rooms in the house, compiling demographic and preference profiles of your family members, and even “noticing” things you have around the house and suggesting content you could consume based on them.
And JLITBME (Just Like In That Black Mirror Episode), there’s a parental supervision innovation option that kind of sounds appealing for about four seconds until you realise how terrifying it is:
One application details how audio monitoring could help detect that a child is engaging in “mischief” at home by first using speech patterns and pitch to identify a child’s presence, one filing said. A device could then try to sense movement while listening for whispers or silence, and even program a smart speaker to “provide a verbal warning.”
Good. Good. Just the house AI watching the children in case they try and have fun and then telling them off.
Meanwhile, another patent application talks about the Assistant detecting coughing and sneezing (so it can send you coupons for Sudafed, presumably) and trying to work out your mood from your voice’s tone and volume, tracking your breath, and listening for crying noises.
Because if there’s one thing we want Skynet knowing, it’s our emotional weak points.
SIRI I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ASK IF I WANT TO ORDER MESSINA AND PUT ON REAL HOUSEWIVES ONE MORE TIME I WILL DROWN YOU IN THIS PICKLE JAR
Of course, corporations file patents for things they might never use or produce all the time, just to make sure their competitors don’t do it first.
But Amazon told the NYT that the patents received “do not necessarily reflect current developments to products and services” and Google says ” All devices that come with the Google Assistant, including Google Home, are designed with user privacy in mind”.
Well, that’s OK then. Nothing to see here. The future will be extremely fine.