Holidays are one of the only things in life that are good in theory AND practice. What’s not to love about sipping on a cocktail while sailing along the Italian/Indonesian/French/*insert desired destination here* coast?
Just because they’re a good time doesn’t mean holidays are fool proof.
FYI: we are the fools.
Try as we might to plan the perfect trip, we’ve all found ourselves on the other side of the world in a sticky situation.
Like the time me and my best friend booked a Bastille Day cruise in Paris, left our hotel room two hours early to make it there on time, but somehow still ended up hitting ten roadblocks, getting on two wrong trains, sprinting through the streets, and missing the cruise we paid good money for.
Me while watching the cruise sail away.
During the same trip, we also had to rebook an interconnecting flight to Spain while on the way to the airport because we hadn’t left ourselves enough time to get through customs.
Ten days later we missed another flight so had to fork out even more $$$.
I swear I am.
It’s laughable now but at the time I had more of a hysterical reaction. Somewhere between being amused, angry and on the verge of a total nervous break down all at once.
In my experience, when you find yourself in an overseas disasters two things get you through: European bread and your travel buddy. Netflix’s new film, Murder Mystery, proves just how important the latter is.
You don’t want to find yourself in the middle of an international murder investigation without your best, most reliable, most resourceful, most hilarious pal. Luckily for Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler, they have each other.
Murder Mystery is a modern-day whodunit which proves just how wrong a good holiday can go.
Most people don’t find themselves framed for the murder of an elderly billionaire when overseas (see: the trailer above), but there are still some intense travel stories out there.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone. It’s nice to know other people in the world have shot themselves in the foot (metaphorically; don’t go hurting your feet) while travelling and have equally painfully hilarious stories to tell.
So in a selfish attempt to feel better about myself- and to hopefully provide you with some comfort- I asked around to find the worst of the worst travel stories.
Buckle in and prepare for some turbulence friends (travel joke. Classic):
“Does going out the night before my 6am flight to NYC, getting back to my hotel at 4am, forgetting my key so having to take my drunk ass to reception for them to let me in, having to leave the hotel at 4:30am but hadn’t packed my bag finally got to the airport got on board the flight and was vomiting the whole time count? SO DISGUSTING.”
SO nasty.
“My cousin was pissing me off so much when we went to Europe together. Long story short. She jumped off a rock face into the ocean and bruised her tail bone so bad she couldn’t sit for 2 weeks. I died.”
Well, you know what they say about karma.
Me watching my frenemies get what’s coming to them.
Friendly reminder: travel insurance is important.
“I went to Portugal with my mate for a week’s holiday in the sun. The last night we were there I had a lovely fish dinner, except it didn’t turn out so lovely. It turned into the worst food poisoning ever! So I spent the whole flight on the toilet and I have never clenched so hard going through customs and have never been so excited to see the public toilet by the baggage carousel before in my life.”
Holding on for dear life.
This one I understand COMPLETELY:
“We missed a conference and an all-star afterparty because the front yard of our AirBnb in LA was full of woodland creatures including a possum, a raccoon, a coyote and some gross big bird.”
And this one is honestly my worst nightmare:
“My suitcase broke and we were absolutely so broke and couldn’t afford another one so we shoved everything we had into one suitcase and our two backpacks but we had to leave so many things in a hotel room.”
I REFUSE TO PART WITH THE THREE JACKETS, TWO CHARGER CORDS AND USELESS SOUVENIRS I BOUGHT THANK YOU.
On another note…Mexico:
“In Mexico I was in the old Cancun and a guy was running after me slapping my butt. Also in Mexico I ended up on an island where locals dropped us off saying nothing and leaving us there, I was alone with a friend, we didn’t know what was happening there were no one, we spent the night there with 1 bottle of water and a pack of Oreo to survive sleeping in hammocks (we had a satellite phone).”
Real life Cast Away.
“Arrived in Barcelona with 57 euro after having 5000 Euro stolen off me in a Madrid hostel – turns out I’d misunderstood the rules of my pre-paid travel cards and left the pin right next to the spare card, which was then fleeced by my roommate. Was crying in the street and got comforted by a completely naked old man with only tattooed speedos on – turns out he’s quite well known on Las Ramblas. It was…a day.”
@MsLaudanum that tattoo guy is in Barcelona, seen mainly on Las Ramblas. We saw him on our honeymoon, thought he was wearing shorts. Nope.
— Booglehoops (@Booglehoops) September 20, 2009
As a female travelling for a long period of time, the struggle is real. SO REAL.
“Could not find a Brazilian waxer in Vienna right before I left for a sailing trip around Croatia so had to do it myself in a hostel bathroom. Did a TERRIBLE job. Broke a toilet paper dispenser right off the wall, gave myself blood blisters, and all in all had such a horrible time I had to give up half way through. Cue me rocking a very strange half’n’half look for the entire week on the boat in my new high cut one piece.”
Speaking of your own body betraying you, this one’s a doozy:
“I was backpacking in India years ago with a few friends and decided to hire scooters for the lols. It was hot so I decided to just go shirtless for the day. I was pulled over by cops who said it was in violation of some law. They said I had to rock up to court in a couple of days BUT they can make it go away if I gave them a lil “something something”. And that’s how I ended up having to bribe some cops while in India to get out of trouble. I kept my shirt on for the rest of the trip.”
Murder Mystery starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston is on Netflix from June 14.